Best Wishes for the Next Year

The passing of another year is often difficult when you are dealing with IF. It marks yet another span of time of no success and marks another year in which your chances of getting pregnant (statistically speaking) get smaller and smaller.

As difficult as it can be, I am choosing this year to mark the passing of 2008 by setting goals for W and I to make decisions about our next steps. And while I do not yet know if those decisions will bring us to parenthood or resolve us in our current happy, but childless, lifestyle, I'd like to relish a little in what we do have, which is some very cool nieces and nephews who do fill our lives with much joy (I included our furry babies as well).

So, Happy New Year to All! I hope this year brings some joy to those of you seeking it and some resolution for those of you who need it. We are blessed and I hope those blessings continue in whatever form they are meant to.

:) Cheers

Are you F***ing Kidding me?????

So not only is the "pregnant man" having a second baby!!!!
but now this....
Ugh!

What are the odds?

What are the odds that someone's best friend from high school and best friend from college and best friend from grad school would also experience infertility? Is it me or is that a weird coincidence?

Failing Miserably

I am already failing miserably at ICLW. Why do I have so much to do these days? Between work, house, crafts, friends, cats, and whatever else occupies my attention I find myself lagging in the blogging world. It is at times like these that I can't imagine adding a kid into the mix. I don't know how people do it. And the longer it takes us the more things we gain in our lives the more I am in awe of those who have kids.
At times like these I think maybe someone is telling me that I am meant to do other things with my life.
Be a perfect wife and homemaker.
Be a perfect aunt to all our nephews and nieces (blood related and not).
Be creative and a crafty entrepreneur.
Be a good friend, sister, daughter, grand-daughter.
Be me.

Nothing is better than Something....in some cases

Welcome all from ICLW! I've done this a couple times before and each time I get better at it. I haven't made it through a whole week consistently yet, but I always appreciate the little I do. One of these days I will find it in myself to be an iron commentor....maybe....

Anyway, as to the meaning of my subject line. Lately I have been grateful that nothing has happened for us so far on the TTC front. We've been "trying" more or less for over 2 years now and we've never had one BFP or false BFP or a miscarriage or anything. And as frustrating and disappointing as that has been, I am grateful.

I am grateful because I am currently watching one of my dearest friends in the world go through two miscarriages in the last year and it is so hard. She is a wreck and I am a wreck for her. And though I kinda appreciate having a dear friend to talk to about IF (as opposed to all my other dear friends who seemingly have gotten pregnant time and time again without any thought and now have beautiful children) my heart aches for her and I am grateful I haven't had to go through "something."

In my mind, having something happen in the TTC world only to have it taken away from you, to have your hopes dashed so abrasively, is much worse than to just have nothing happen month after month. For me, nothing gives me more hope. Maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe my friend has more hope. After all, at least she knows she CAN get pregnant. She just needs to figure out how to make it stick. Maybe I'm just avoiding the inevitable. Maybe nothing is nothing right?

All I know is that I think my friend is brave and courageous and going through something that I don't know I could face as well as she has.

What do you think? Did you feel better or worse before you knew there was something wrong?

Question of the Day

How do you fix something when there is nothing wrong?

As you may have gathered from the question, all our test came back normal....So what's the problem?

I guess I like to torture myself....

Not much new here on the baby front...or whatever you want to call it.
I am still, however, torturing myself by making ridiculously cute baby onesies for other people.
I've got these all up on my ETSY shop, for those of you who were able to get one of your own (or knows someone who did).

That Time of Year Again

Yup, it's that time of year again. Time for the ole Annual Exam! Yipppeeee!

Actually, I really like my Gyno/Nurse Practitioner. She is very good. But, the appointment also marks two years (can you believe it?!?! two years!!!!!) of trying with no success. It also marks a point where we need to make some decisions. You know those pesky decisions I've been writing about for so long? Well, I finally need to make some.

Proceed with more testing with my regular doc and get a clear diagnosis?
Skip the middle man and go straight to the fertility specialist (which we really can't afford and insurance doesn't cover one bit)?
Just keep on the same path as we are now (if it happens, it happens)?
Jump over all pregnancy options and figure out how we feel about adoption and fostering?

I'm a Libra, so I labor over these kinds of decisions. It seems like every one has valid options that could work out for us. How do you know if you are making the RIGHT decision? What if you make the WRONG one?

Oy! Deciding what color to paint the bedrooms is prooving to be so much easier.

The angry woman

I've noticed myself getting bitter. Well, not really bitter, but saying things I really don't need to say or even want to say. I've noticed myself shoving our difficulties (I won't say infertility yet, as we don't really have a diagnosis, but TECHNICALLY, it is infertility) in peoples' faces.

This is not the woman I want to be.

Example:
My very best friend J's sister and brother were both recently expecting. When J's sister was a week overdue she was relaying to me how her sister was feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends traveling from afar to have the baby already. And I said something like, but not in these exact words, "Well at least she can HAVE a baby. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't even get pregnant."

Well, of course it didn't really sound like that to J, but it did to me. And I was embarrassed after the fact and I wrote her an apology, to which she said she hadn't even paid any mind. What I was trying to say is that I empathize with people who are feeling pressure from family. Not that my situation was the same as her sister's but that I understood family pressure.

This is just one of several comments in the same vein I have found myself making lately. I don't want to be a bitter. I don't want to be angry. In fact, I don't think I am either of those things on a day to day basis.

Most of all, I don't want to throw our difficulties in other peoples' faces. We are each given a path that we must live and if this is my path than so be it. That is the kind of woman I want to be.

I almost forgot!

I almost forgot that it was ICLW! Thanks to Kirke who left me a comment on a really old post, which reminded me! So, not much has been happening on the TTC front. I have been very busy in life, getting ready for a craft show, working on our condo, etc. (which you can read on my other blog that I have been writing more on if you like).

It has now officially been 2 years since I went of BCP and we started TTC. This last year has been filled with us just trying to relax (I know I know I hate it when people tell you to just relax, but it's the truth) and trying to figure out how we want to proceed. I know I've written before that we are not quite sure how we feel about infertility treatment to begin with and until recently we haven't been in a place to even think about adoption or explore how we feel about that avenue.
But, now I think we are ready to take the first "baby steps" into finding out what is going on with us. I have my annual appt. in Oct. at which time we are going to proceed with as many tests as we can get through my regular doc. We had two postitive tests before, but got distracted with life before we went on to pursue more.

It may seem to some that we are moving at a snail's pace in our pursuit for a family. And I must admit, we are. But, that is kind of how we do things. We don't like to be pressured and don't like to be desperate for anything. But we both agree we at least need to begin to figure out what our options are.

All in all, over the last 2 years, I think taking our time has given us some freedom. As much as we very much want to have our own children, I think we are coming to the conclusion that if for some reason that is not meant to be, then we would be fine being aunt and uncle, sister and brother, husband and wife, and all the other titles that help define who we are.

How do you define yourself? Do you need children to describe who you are?

And now by popular demand....

Thanks for all the great comments about my writing block. I think the most popular choice was #5, what to say to those pesky people who ask you WHEN you are going to have kids.

So, first a little background. I come from a huge extended family. And the majority of them got married young and had babies. But, because my parents got college educations and wanted me and my sister and brother to be successful and go places, I did not follow this path. I went to college and then grad school and took my time finding Mr. Right. I also got a great career along the way and became quite successful at what I do. So, I found myself at the age of 31 ready to have kids, while my enormous clan of cousins was working on their 3rd and 4th and then some. So, long story short, I have successfully evaded the "when are you having kids" question for quite sometime. However, as soon as I got married (10 years after everyone else was married) the questions came fast and furious.

As luck would have it, I don't see my extended family much anymore, so I have not had to face the dreaded question from them since we started trying. But just a few weeks ago, we had to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday in my hometown and I knew that I would be dodging around the kid issue. So, my husband and I tried to come up with some smart answers to come back with when my relatives took it upon themselves to stick their noses into our personal business. Here are a few we came up with (keep in mind, these are so totally not serious):

1. No, we don't want kids, they won't let them into our favorite bar.
2. We would love kids, but the restraining order has to be lifted first.
3. No, we're not going to have any kids, they're too sticky.
4. We forgot to give the stork our address.

I think our favorite was the sticky one.

Anyway, I was all prepared. I had my defenses up. I imagined I would be brutally honest and throw our difficulties in everyone's faces and make them feel bad or I would defend my worthiness as an independent, happy, educated, successful career woman who didn't need children to define myself, but I folded. I got exactly 5 kid questions. They were all innocent and well meaning (which made me feel even worse about it for some reason). I hemmed and hawwed around the question: "oh, no, not yet" "maybe someday" "well, you, know it doesn't always work for everyone" etc. etc. Until one of my cousins asked me and I said "no, I think we are just going to get a dog."

What are your favorite answers to the "kid" question?

ICLW Attempt and I need stuff to blog about....

For those of you who read this blog, you know that my attempt at NCLM was a total failure. So, here we are, 2nd day into ICLW and I am optimistic.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my previous post. It is certainly a complicated issue, and I truly wish the "pregnant man" and his family well, but as many of you commented, it still jabs me in the IF. And as others commented, it does make me feel a little bit like a failure.

So, I need something to blog about. My other blog is where I write about my normal, everyday life, but this blog was supposed to be strictly about our struggles to start a family. Because we have been "taking it easy" and "taking time off" from actively trying, I've found my mind is not as occupied with babies as much as it was. Which is good and what we wanted. But, now I need to think of things to write about here on this blog. If I keep with the theme of this blog, I guess it should be infertility, family, etc. related.

Any suggestions?

Here are a few ideas I had. Some things/issues that I have been thinking of lately.

1. deciding if IF treatment is right for us (we're not sure we want to pursue treatment)
2. deciding to pursue treatment or just let the chips fall where they may
3. (a variation on the same theme) deciding that our lives will be ok without kids if that is what our future holds
4. thinking about adoption
5. How to respond to people's questions about having kids, without getting defensive or punching them in the face

Reproductive Rights?

So, the so-called "pregnant man" apparently gave birth to a baby girl. I don't know why this story pokes at my infertility like it does. I was particularly struck by the following paragraphs from an article in Slate Magazine

From Slate Magazine:
Beatie's transformation began a decade ago. "Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights," he explained recently in the Advocate. "Reproductive rights" was a euphemism for his uterus and ovaries. "I actually opted not to do anything to my reproductive organs because I wanted to have a child one day," he told Oprah Winfrey in April.

For eight years, Beatie didn't menstruate. Then, two years ago, "I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections," he recalls. "My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn't have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy." Meanwhile, his beard kept growing.

First of all, "he" had been taking testosterone for 8 years and it only took him 4 months for his cycles to return to normal after he stopped!!!! I'm working on 2 years off of bcp and I still don't feel like my cycles are back to "normal." And then he didn't even need any hormones or drugs to help him get pregnant or maintain his pregnancy? AND got pregnant with one try?

Secondly, what the hell are "reproductive rights." Do all women have the RIGHT to reproduce? What about those of us who can't? Does that mean nature or whatever, took our "rights" away for some reason?

I don't know, this story is obviously complicated, but I kinda think that if you don't want to be a woman any more and are trying to physically change your body so you have an enlarged clitoris that acts like a penis and your breasts are gone, that you have sort of decided to give up your "right" to have a child naturally. I mean, part of being a man means that you cannot bear children right?

What do you think? Does this bother anyone else?

Good Advice

I really enjoyed the Barren Advice column yesterday. I really understood where the advice seeker was coming from and the advice really hit close to home. W and I are still trying to figure out which of the three levels we belong to. Still not sure. We've given ourselves the summer to ponder and discuss some more. Then in October, when my next annual appt. is due. It will be decision time. I feel pretty good about that goal.

On the NCLM front, I officially majorly suck. I'm so far off the bandwagon that I'll never be able to catch up. I'm still exploring all the blogs on the list and I will continue to do so, but any sort of organized/orchestrated comment leaving cannot be done by this slacker blogger.

Shout Out!

I just gotta give a big shout out to all those of you for NCLM and from elsewhere that have been visiting and commenting on my blog! I love it!
And even though I'm now doing NCLM at my own pace (cause sometimes commitments are hard for me) I truly love the support and understanding everyone has brought.

Trying to get some painting done today, so no reflecting on family and kids and whatnot for now, but keep on bringin the love!

Thanks!

I'm Out

So, I didn't even make it two weeks in this crazy NaComLeaMo and I'm already behind and bowing out of the commitment. I just can't seem to leave 6 comments a day. I had a great strategy. I started at the top of the list and went methodically down 5 every day. That way I would be sure to comment on everybody's blogs and not leave anyone out. I was doing great for the first week, then I missed a day and tried to catch up and then forgot where I left off and then accidentily skipped over a couple and then and then and then....

I am really loving all the feedback and comments. I'm loving reading all these new blogs and getting to know all these new peeps, but I just can't keep up the pace with everything else I have going on in my life. I sooooo admire those doing this that can keep up with the commenting pace or even better be an Iron Commenter. I just don't have it in me.

So here is my new goal. I will leave one comment on every blog on this list. It just might take me awhile. I will try very hard to do it in a timely manner, but I can't make any promises.

Sorry, I hope I didn't disappoint too many people. Please keep commenting on my blog if you feel so inclined. I do so love connecting with you.

Why Kids?

Why do we want kids? Is it biological? Is it emotional? Is it societal?

As W and I are trying to figure out what our next steps are, I find myself asking this question a lot. Why do I want kids? I've posed this question to myself before, but I find that my answers are getting different. I'm older, I'm faced with the prospects of not being able to have them the way I thought I would, and it makes me wonder why it is I want them in the first place.

I think my main reasons are still that I do want to add to our family and I do want to contribute to the world by raising a good person to live on after I am gone, but I am no longer defining myself as much as a "mom" type. I am no longer linking it to my identity as a woman as much, and I am no longer thinking of kids as something that you are "supposed" to do in order to exist in society (ie. get married, have kids, have grandkids, etc., etc., etc.).

I guess I am learning that I am still a woman if I am not a mother and I am still a valuable member of society if I don't have kids. But, then, why do I still want one? I'm still working on the answer to that one.

Why do you want kids?

Lazy Weekend with My Little "Family"

It's going to be a LAZY weekend. The sun is still not shinning much here in the Northwest, so outdoor activities are not really much of an inviting option. So, our little "family" (me, W, and our two furry babies) are snuggling up on the couch and watching Battle Star Galactica on DVD. All in all, not a bad way to spend the weekend. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow...

Who is part of your "family?"

Brain Block

I've had brain block on this blog for awhile. I've come to a place in this journey where I'm sort of just treading water until we figure out what we are going to do next, or, rather, what we are ready to do next. I've worked through a lot of my initial feelings about this struggle (through a lot of therapy) and have moved on to a more heady/less emotional place (although my emotions do get the better of me sometimes). We are also very busy in life and work these days, which has preoccupied my brain and daily activities.

So, I find I don't have quite as much to write about here as I did a year ago. This blog was supposed to be about our journey to create our modern family. I think I am going to have to expand that idea in order to fill the pages here week after week. Or, maybe this is a sign that it is time for W and I to really sit down, and DECIDE what our next steps should be. Where is this journey going? What should we do next? Maybe there is more to write about than I realize...

Is Blogging a Woman's Sport?

I love blogging. It's basically like keeping a diary that other people can read. I always kept a diary when I was younger. I like to write and writing in a diary always felt cathartic and theraputic. Looking back on my diaries from high school and college, I often feel foolish about what I thought was important at those young ages, but they were important to me at the time. I find the same sort of cathartic therapy nature in blogging. But blogging has a crazy public aspect to it where you can get feedback from people who can relate to what you are going through or who appreciate what you are doing with your life.

I have two blogs. This one is for my writing about how W and I are struggling to start our family. My other one is really more of a day-to-day blog about our lives and also about crafting. I may start one that is purely about crafting so each blog has a definite theme and outlet for the different aspects of my life, but I need to decide if I have enough time to keep up with that much blogging.

So, far I have only met women through blogging. Makes sense really given that my two blogs are about makin babies and makin crafts. I have one guy friend who bloggs about his life, but other than him I don't really find many men in the blog-o-sphere, then again, I don't think I've known many guys who keep diaries either.

So, that leads me to the question, like diary writing, is blogging a woman's sport? Is there something inherent in being female that causes us to want to share our intimate lives with perfect strangers? It could be an interesting gender study.

Let the commenting begin!!!

Ok, ok, so I haven't been too inspired to write on this blog much these days. I think I've been trying to ignore the whole thing lately. If I keep myself occupied with other things it is easier. And as much as I love the IF blog community and its tremendous support and understanding, I've found it hard to read IF blogs lately, as it reminds me of the big decisions W and I need to make and how we are dragging our feet on it.

However, this is the beginning of NaComLeaveMo and it is my intention to try my darndest to participate. So, I am going to write something, anything to get my ass in gear.

So, here I am in Bend, Oregon for memorial day weekend and it is raining and I seem to have come down with a head cold!!! ugh! And we have tickets to see Modest Mouse tonight and it looks like the weather is going to be bad and I don't really feel like going at all.... total bummer....Since we don't have any kids I was planning a weekend of rock and drunken debauchery for this holiday weekend, but neither my health nor the weather is cooperating. So, instead of a wild weekend I find myself sitting here on the couch in the cabin reading IF blogs. Kinda depressing in a way.

What are you doing this weekend?

I Fear the Unknown

I do.
Sometimes, I would just rather not know; live in blissful denial.

Crafty Therapy

Baby Creations Mosaic
Originally uploaded by lucky lisp

I don't know if this helps or hurts, but for awhile now I have been creating embroidered onesies for my friends and family who are having babies. I really enjoy coming up with new and clever designs to put on baby clothes, but lately I have been wondering if it might be better for me to switch to adult t-shirts and create non-baby related things. Or perhaps it is a little cathartic for me to surround myself with little baby reminders. Afterall, the world is not going to stop having babies just because I don't have one. I am going to have to be around babies for the rest of my life, and I might as well help them look cool and fabulous while I'm at it.

At this time, I have more finished onesies and onesie ideas than I have friends with little babies. So, I'm going to make a little business out of it if I can. I've started a store on ETSY, and, if I get my act together, I'm going to see if some local shops want to consign my work as well. Who knows, maybe I can take this and build a little empire. Either that, or when we do eventually have a baby, it will be the most well-dressed baby in all of Eugene.

I know they're trying to make me feel better, but...

I wish that my friends and family would discuss the possibility that I might NOT be able to have kids and tell me that is OK. Instead, whenever the topic of children come up I get, "It will all work out," or "You'll have kids," or "It takes some people longer," or some other generic answer that seems to dodge the real issue. And that issue is that we have been trying for 18 months now and nothing has happened.

Yes, I know we haven't had many tests yet to determine what is going on.

Yes, I know the sooner we go in to see a specialist the sooner we will know if we indeed can or cannot have kids.

Yes, I know it may be something easy to fix.

Yes, I know there are lots of treatments out there to help us have one if there is a problem.

But, that is not the point.

The point is no one is reassuring me that it is OK if we don't have any kids right now. No one is telling me that having kids is not the end all and be all of life before we find out if it is or isn't, that there are advantages to not having kids, and if that is what life has dealt us, then that is just fine.

I think part of me is reluctant to go in and find out what is going on with our unresponsive reproductive systems because we may find out that we can't have kids, and then it will be final and our hopes will be dealt a serious blow.

Right now we are still operating on the hope that we can get pregnant. As soon as we find out there is a problem, then our hope is gone. And all the nice, reassuring things our friends and family have said to us will turn out to be just that--only nice, reassuring things.

And THEN they will tell me, "It's OK if you don't have any kids," "Kids are not the end all and be all of life," "There are advantages to not having kids," and "This is what life has dealt you, and that is just fine." And I won't believe them. Because they waited until our possibilities were limited to reassure me that I will still be a good, happy, and productive person in this world without a child of my own.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Have Kids (in no particular order)

My sister recently commented that this blog made her sad. She got me to thinking. I guess I do tend to write on this blog when I am feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed by all the complicated feelings I have been experiencing while W and I try to start a family. It was not my intention, however, to be a big sad-sack. So, I've devoted this entry to explore the more positive reasons for being without child.

1. No Kids: Perhaps the best (and worst) thing about not having any kids, is not having any kids. I feel this way especially when I visit with my friend Julie when both her 4-year-old and her 1-year-old are having simultaneous meltdowns. Or when I want to do something spontaneous with my mom-girlfriends and they need an hour to gather together the kids before they can get out the door.

2. My Marriage: W and I already have a fabulous marriage. And I can't imagine much that would drastically change our relationship, but I do imagine that kids would change it in smaller, day-to-day ways. Just the amount of time we spend together would obviously be effected. So, not having kids would allow us to keep growing as a couple and be selfish in the development of our marriage.

3. Eating Out, Shopping, Traveling, and Generally Spending Money on Myself: As a young couple in downtown we like to go out to eat and frequent the shops. We both admit that we spend way too much money on food and drink. Our favorite place is Davis' Restaurant and Bar, where our good friend Chris is the bartender and we know most of the regulars. We are there at least once a week, but more often, several times a week. We also like to take small trips to the mountains or coast on weekends. This is one nice thing about not having kids and many of our friends with kids envy our ability to go out when we please and have seen the latest movies in the theaters.

4. Watching Inappropriate Television: I'm an admitted TV junky. The worse it is, the more I like it. So, one nice thing about not having kids is I can watch as many episodes of Celebrity Rehab or The Girls Next Door as I want without having to censor it. Perhaps this one backfires on me a bit, because if I did have kids, I would probably benefit from not watching so much television. Could go either way.

5. Sex: This is probably the main reason my husband would vote for not having kids. It is a concern of mine too. Frequency, quality, quantity, all change after having kids. Without kids, W and I are free to get our freak on and have as much sex as we want, whenever we want.

6. Sleep: This may be in a tie with number five in W's mind. I don't need as much as he does, but I do like to get my full 6–8 hours.

7. White Furniture: Obvious.

8. Language: For those who don't know me very well, I swear like a F*%#ing sailor. It started in the fourth grade. It was my way of rebellion, as I was otherwise a total goody-two-shoes. Peppering my every-day language with the f-word would pretty much have to stop if I had kids. Not a big deal really, but a bad habit I would have to break.

9. My Career: I have to be a working mom. We are a two income household and not much is going to change that. And, I love my job very much. I would not want to give it up. If we have a kid, my work place is super supportive and will allow me to work from home and also bring a baby into the office. But, I know that if I have a kid, my career will be limited in many ways, and I would not excel in the company as quickly. Not having a kid would allow me to really develop my career to its fullest potential.

10. Pets: I have always thought that if we didn't have kids we would have more pets and do more things to help with the worlds animal population. We love animals, and without kids we would definitely be able to do more for our pets. I have always worried about how my beloved cats would react to me having to shift much of my attention away from them and on to a baby.

11. (bonus entry) My Willingness to Sacrifice Myself for Others: This is a great attribute for moms to have of course, but it often happens at the detriment of a mom's own self. I know I would give everything to my child without thinking about myself, 24/7. But, I don't want to loose myself in the process. Without kids, I can be selfish and concentrate on making me the best me there is.

A New Year, A New Home, and A New Outlook

W and I became home owners this weekend. We bought a two-bedroom, two-bath condo in downtown Eugene. It has an amazing view of downtown and the surrounding hill sides and mountains.

It gets an amazing amount of light. And most importantly, it is all ours. We can do whatever we want with it. We now have a space to make our nest. And a nest is exactly what I hope it will become.
Someone once told me that babies usually wait to come into a settled atmosphere. Meaning when my life was "settled" I would finally get a baby. Now, I'm sure she was trying to make me feel better about not being able to get pregnant quickly, cause I have known many people who were NOT settled and baby didn't wait for them, but there may actually be a kernel of truth to what she said. It would have been exceedingly much harder to be pregnant and/or have a little one in our noisy, dusty, cramped old apartment, and while we did live there for nearly 5 years, I never really felt like it was "ours." So, maybe owning our own place will bring about a sense of stability to our lives that wasn't there before.
More than anything, owning our own home gives me something to focus my energy on. Painting, remodeling, decorating, and other new home owner responsibilities give my brain a preoccupation that has been previously filled by trying to get pregnant. Perhaps by not focusing on the fact that we aren't getting pregnant will in fact cause us to get pregnant. For me, the things I most desire come to me when I am least expecting them. With my attention fully focused on our new home, I'm hoping that a little someone sneaks up on me.