Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The angry woman

I've noticed myself getting bitter. Well, not really bitter, but saying things I really don't need to say or even want to say. I've noticed myself shoving our difficulties (I won't say infertility yet, as we don't really have a diagnosis, but TECHNICALLY, it is infertility) in peoples' faces.

This is not the woman I want to be.

My very best friend J's sister and brother were both recently expecting. When J's sister was a week overdue she was relaying to me how her sister was feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends traveling from afar to have the baby already. And I said something like, but not in these exact words, "Well at least she can HAVE a baby. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't even get pregnant."

Well, of course it didn't really sound like that to J, but it did to me. And I was embarrassed after the fact and I wrote her an apology, to which she said she hadn't even paid any mind. What I was trying to say is that I empathize with people who are feeling pressure from family. Not that my situation was the same as her sister's but that I understood family pressure.

This is just one of several comments in the same vein I have found myself making lately. I don't want to be a bitter. I don't want to be angry. In fact, I don't think I am either of those things on a day to day basis.

Most of all, I don't want to throw our difficulties in other peoples' faces. We are each given a path that we must live and if this is my path than so be it. That is the kind of woman I want to be.


Mrs.X said...

I know that you are disappointed in yourself - you would like to have an equanimity at all times, particularly with friends, when it comes to your struggles with infertility. I have that feeling too, and it is hard.

It's also hard, though, when people who know of what you are going through relay these kinds of sentiments to you. How are you supposed to respond? It's very hard not to say what you feel and I don't think you should beat yourself up about it. In the future, consider asking J to omit details such as this since it is very hard for you to hear. That way you've spared yourself the trigger.

My friend recently had her first baby after an uneventful first pregnancy. We were talking on the phone and she complained about how long it took the baby to nurse. Before I could stop myself, I said, "what else would you be doing? Vacuuming?" I felt bad immediately afterwards, but I also forgave myself because I know where it came from.

This is such a tough road and you have enough to deal with without beating yourself up to boot.

Michelle said...

I think it is something we all struggle with. I am constantly thinking things, and then all of sudden I'm like "wow did I just say that out loud?". We are all human and it's not something you should be hard on yourself about. The people that really know you, know that you are not trying to be mean and bitter and should understand. ((HUGS))

CappyPrincess said...

I know how hard it is to not be bitter. But I think half the battle is in recognizing how you are reacting and making a conscious decision that you want to change the reaction.

My thoughts are with you.


Photogrl said...

Popping in from ICLW...

This is something I struggle with a lot. It's hard to not think, feel, or sometimes say things that aren't very positive, and somewhat selfish.

What you said wasn't wrong, just honest.

Hugs to you.

Katie said...

all i have to say is the fact that you actually WROTE an apology to someone is proof that you are SO not bitter. in fact, you are probably one of the most thoughtful people i know. :) xo katie

ps so uh, saturday? can i come feed yer cats? hehe

junebug said...

I sympathize. I feel the same way. Often I'm thinking I am holding back what I really want to say and in doing so what I say sounds different. It has helped me to be more empathic with others. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt that way on my bad days maybe someone else will give me the benefit of the doubt.
Here via ICLW.

Cassandra said...

Maybe I have an "advantage" by not being out about IF to almost everyone I know, because any bitter comments that pop into my mind are silenced instantly. But even though I don't say them, rest assured that I have those thoughts very frequently.

Beautiful Mess said...

Being bitter or angry is part of being human. You're going through some very frustrating *to say the least* times, right now. And maybe you need to let it out every now and then. It always sounds worse to you in your head then to others. Hang in there and take lots of deep breaths. It really does work!

nancy said...

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. IF is ~hard~ and I've been called bitter more times than I care to imagine, but no one still holds it against me.