Monday, March 31, 2008

I know they're trying to make me feel better, but...

I wish that my friends and family would discuss the possibility that I might NOT be able to have kids and tell me that is OK. Instead, whenever the topic of children come up I get, "It will all work out," or "You'll have kids," or "It takes some people longer," or some other generic answer that seems to dodge the real issue. And that issue is that we have been trying for 18 months now and nothing has happened.

Yes, I know we haven't had many tests yet to determine what is going on.

Yes, I know the sooner we go in to see a specialist the sooner we will know if we indeed can or cannot have kids.

Yes, I know it may be something easy to fix.

Yes, I know there are lots of treatments out there to help us have one if there is a problem.

But, that is not the point.

The point is no one is reassuring me that it is OK if we don't have any kids right now. No one is telling me that having kids is not the end all and be all of life before we find out if it is or isn't, that there are advantages to not having kids, and if that is what life has dealt us, then that is just fine.

I think part of me is reluctant to go in and find out what is going on with our unresponsive reproductive systems because we may find out that we can't have kids, and then it will be final and our hopes will be dealt a serious blow.

Right now we are still operating on the hope that we can get pregnant. As soon as we find out there is a problem, then our hope is gone. And all the nice, reassuring things our friends and family have said to us will turn out to be just that--only nice, reassuring things.

And THEN they will tell me, "It's OK if you don't have any kids," "Kids are not the end all and be all of life," "There are advantages to not having kids," and "This is what life has dealt you, and that is just fine." And I won't believe them. Because they waited until our possibilities were limited to reassure me that I will still be a good, happy, and productive person in this world without a child of my own.


Duck said...

I totally get this. Even though I knew that i had endo we still put off going to a fertility clinic of 2.5 years (we moved in the middle so if we had not moved it would have only been about 1.5 years but still). Believe it or not, it got easier once we started going to a clinic. But we also have not told our family, because we really don't want to hear about it all the time.

Sasparilla Sue said...

I've been ruminating on this post of yours for a while now (I came across it about 3 weeks ago). I wanted to leave a profound and wise comment but, well, that's a little beyond my scope, frankly. I will tell you this, as a 34 year old woman with no kids & no desire for kids, I know how it can be, especially with family members who do have kids. And the conclusion I had to come up with for myself is whether or not I feel complete without children. And after alot of soul searching, the answer for me was yes. I didn't need to have children to feel like my life was whole or had come full circle, I already felt that. So basically you need to ask yourself the same questions. Come to your own conclusions.

Hope said...

I so know how you feel, sometimes I just have to stop my mother or mother in law in their tracks. It doesn't help when they tell me my grandmother had a baby at 45 or his uncle had twins at 43. All of the other comments have been made too. Sometimes I tell them, mostly I swallow my tears and the knot in my throat and let it go.