Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The angry woman

I've noticed myself getting bitter. Well, not really bitter, but saying things I really don't need to say or even want to say. I've noticed myself shoving our difficulties (I won't say infertility yet, as we don't really have a diagnosis, but TECHNICALLY, it is infertility) in peoples' faces.

This is not the woman I want to be.

My very best friend J's sister and brother were both recently expecting. When J's sister was a week overdue she was relaying to me how her sister was feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends traveling from afar to have the baby already. And I said something like, but not in these exact words, "Well at least she can HAVE a baby. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't even get pregnant."

Well, of course it didn't really sound like that to J, but it did to me. And I was embarrassed after the fact and I wrote her an apology, to which she said she hadn't even paid any mind. What I was trying to say is that I empathize with people who are feeling pressure from family. Not that my situation was the same as her sister's but that I understood family pressure.

This is just one of several comments in the same vein I have found myself making lately. I don't want to be a bitter. I don't want to be angry. In fact, I don't think I am either of those things on a day to day basis.

Most of all, I don't want to throw our difficulties in other peoples' faces. We are each given a path that we must live and if this is my path than so be it. That is the kind of woman I want to be.

Monday, September 22, 2008

I almost forgot!

I almost forgot that it was ICLW! Thanks to Kirke who left me a comment on a really old post, which reminded me! So, not much has been happening on the TTC front. I have been very busy in life, getting ready for a craft show, working on our condo, etc. (which you can read on my other blog that I have been writing more on if you like).

It has now officially been 2 years since I went of BCP and we started TTC. This last year has been filled with us just trying to relax (I know I know I hate it when people tell you to just relax, but it's the truth) and trying to figure out how we want to proceed. I know I've written before that we are not quite sure how we feel about infertility treatment to begin with and until recently we haven't been in a place to even think about adoption or explore how we feel about that avenue.
But, now I think we are ready to take the first "baby steps" into finding out what is going on with us. I have my annual appt. in Oct. at which time we are going to proceed with as many tests as we can get through my regular doc. We had two postitive tests before, but got distracted with life before we went on to pursue more.

It may seem to some that we are moving at a snail's pace in our pursuit for a family. And I must admit, we are. But, that is kind of how we do things. We don't like to be pressured and don't like to be desperate for anything. But we both agree we at least need to begin to figure out what our options are.

All in all, over the last 2 years, I think taking our time has given us some freedom. As much as we very much want to have our own children, I think we are coming to the conclusion that if for some reason that is not meant to be, then we would be fine being aunt and uncle, sister and brother, husband and wife, and all the other titles that help define who we are.

How do you define yourself? Do you need children to describe who you are?