That Time of Year Again

Yup, it's that time of year again. Time for the ole Annual Exam! Yipppeeee!

Actually, I really like my Gyno/Nurse Practitioner. She is very good. But, the appointment also marks two years (can you believe it?!?! two years!!!!!) of trying with no success. It also marks a point where we need to make some decisions. You know those pesky decisions I've been writing about for so long? Well, I finally need to make some.

Proceed with more testing with my regular doc and get a clear diagnosis?
Skip the middle man and go straight to the fertility specialist (which we really can't afford and insurance doesn't cover one bit)?
Just keep on the same path as we are now (if it happens, it happens)?
Jump over all pregnancy options and figure out how we feel about adoption and fostering?

I'm a Libra, so I labor over these kinds of decisions. It seems like every one has valid options that could work out for us. How do you know if you are making the RIGHT decision? What if you make the WRONG one?

Oy! Deciding what color to paint the bedrooms is prooving to be so much easier.

The angry woman

I've noticed myself getting bitter. Well, not really bitter, but saying things I really don't need to say or even want to say. I've noticed myself shoving our difficulties (I won't say infertility yet, as we don't really have a diagnosis, but TECHNICALLY, it is infertility) in peoples' faces.

This is not the woman I want to be.

Example:
My very best friend J's sister and brother were both recently expecting. When J's sister was a week overdue she was relaying to me how her sister was feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends traveling from afar to have the baby already. And I said something like, but not in these exact words, "Well at least she can HAVE a baby. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't even get pregnant."

Well, of course it didn't really sound like that to J, but it did to me. And I was embarrassed after the fact and I wrote her an apology, to which she said she hadn't even paid any mind. What I was trying to say is that I empathize with people who are feeling pressure from family. Not that my situation was the same as her sister's but that I understood family pressure.

This is just one of several comments in the same vein I have found myself making lately. I don't want to be a bitter. I don't want to be angry. In fact, I don't think I am either of those things on a day to day basis.

Most of all, I don't want to throw our difficulties in other peoples' faces. We are each given a path that we must live and if this is my path than so be it. That is the kind of woman I want to be.

I almost forgot!

I almost forgot that it was ICLW! Thanks to Kirke who left me a comment on a really old post, which reminded me! So, not much has been happening on the TTC front. I have been very busy in life, getting ready for a craft show, working on our condo, etc. (which you can read on my other blog that I have been writing more on if you like).

It has now officially been 2 years since I went of BCP and we started TTC. This last year has been filled with us just trying to relax (I know I know I hate it when people tell you to just relax, but it's the truth) and trying to figure out how we want to proceed. I know I've written before that we are not quite sure how we feel about infertility treatment to begin with and until recently we haven't been in a place to even think about adoption or explore how we feel about that avenue.
But, now I think we are ready to take the first "baby steps" into finding out what is going on with us. I have my annual appt. in Oct. at which time we are going to proceed with as many tests as we can get through my regular doc. We had two postitive tests before, but got distracted with life before we went on to pursue more.

It may seem to some that we are moving at a snail's pace in our pursuit for a family. And I must admit, we are. But, that is kind of how we do things. We don't like to be pressured and don't like to be desperate for anything. But we both agree we at least need to begin to figure out what our options are.

All in all, over the last 2 years, I think taking our time has given us some freedom. As much as we very much want to have our own children, I think we are coming to the conclusion that if for some reason that is not meant to be, then we would be fine being aunt and uncle, sister and brother, husband and wife, and all the other titles that help define who we are.

How do you define yourself? Do you need children to describe who you are?

And now by popular demand....

Thanks for all the great comments about my writing block. I think the most popular choice was #5, what to say to those pesky people who ask you WHEN you are going to have kids.

So, first a little background. I come from a huge extended family. And the majority of them got married young and had babies. But, because my parents got college educations and wanted me and my sister and brother to be successful and go places, I did not follow this path. I went to college and then grad school and took my time finding Mr. Right. I also got a great career along the way and became quite successful at what I do. So, I found myself at the age of 31 ready to have kids, while my enormous clan of cousins was working on their 3rd and 4th and then some. So, long story short, I have successfully evaded the "when are you having kids" question for quite sometime. However, as soon as I got married (10 years after everyone else was married) the questions came fast and furious.

As luck would have it, I don't see my extended family much anymore, so I have not had to face the dreaded question from them since we started trying. But just a few weeks ago, we had to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday in my hometown and I knew that I would be dodging around the kid issue. So, my husband and I tried to come up with some smart answers to come back with when my relatives took it upon themselves to stick their noses into our personal business. Here are a few we came up with (keep in mind, these are so totally not serious):

1. No, we don't want kids, they won't let them into our favorite bar.
2. We would love kids, but the restraining order has to be lifted first.
3. No, we're not going to have any kids, they're too sticky.
4. We forgot to give the stork our address.

I think our favorite was the sticky one.

Anyway, I was all prepared. I had my defenses up. I imagined I would be brutally honest and throw our difficulties in everyone's faces and make them feel bad or I would defend my worthiness as an independent, happy, educated, successful career woman who didn't need children to define myself, but I folded. I got exactly 5 kid questions. They were all innocent and well meaning (which made me feel even worse about it for some reason). I hemmed and hawwed around the question: "oh, no, not yet" "maybe someday" "well, you, know it doesn't always work for everyone" etc. etc. Until one of my cousins asked me and I said "no, I think we are just going to get a dog."

What are your favorite answers to the "kid" question?

ICLW Attempt and I need stuff to blog about....

For those of you who read this blog, you know that my attempt at NCLM was a total failure. So, here we are, 2nd day into ICLW and I am optimistic.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my previous post. It is certainly a complicated issue, and I truly wish the "pregnant man" and his family well, but as many of you commented, it still jabs me in the IF. And as others commented, it does make me feel a little bit like a failure.

So, I need something to blog about. My other blog is where I write about my normal, everyday life, but this blog was supposed to be strictly about our struggles to start a family. Because we have been "taking it easy" and "taking time off" from actively trying, I've found my mind is not as occupied with babies as much as it was. Which is good and what we wanted. But, now I need to think of things to write about here on this blog. If I keep with the theme of this blog, I guess it should be infertility, family, etc. related.

Any suggestions?

Here are a few ideas I had. Some things/issues that I have been thinking of lately.

1. deciding if IF treatment is right for us (we're not sure we want to pursue treatment)
2. deciding to pursue treatment or just let the chips fall where they may
3. (a variation on the same theme) deciding that our lives will be ok without kids if that is what our future holds
4. thinking about adoption
5. How to respond to people's questions about having kids, without getting defensive or punching them in the face

Reproductive Rights?

So, the so-called "pregnant man" apparently gave birth to a baby girl. I don't know why this story pokes at my infertility like it does. I was particularly struck by the following paragraphs from an article in Slate Magazine

From Slate Magazine:
Beatie's transformation began a decade ago. "Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights," he explained recently in the Advocate. "Reproductive rights" was a euphemism for his uterus and ovaries. "I actually opted not to do anything to my reproductive organs because I wanted to have a child one day," he told Oprah Winfrey in April.

For eight years, Beatie didn't menstruate. Then, two years ago, "I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections," he recalls. "My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn't have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy." Meanwhile, his beard kept growing.

First of all, "he" had been taking testosterone for 8 years and it only took him 4 months for his cycles to return to normal after he stopped!!!! I'm working on 2 years off of bcp and I still don't feel like my cycles are back to "normal." And then he didn't even need any hormones or drugs to help him get pregnant or maintain his pregnancy? AND got pregnant with one try?

Secondly, what the hell are "reproductive rights." Do all women have the RIGHT to reproduce? What about those of us who can't? Does that mean nature or whatever, took our "rights" away for some reason?

I don't know, this story is obviously complicated, but I kinda think that if you don't want to be a woman any more and are trying to physically change your body so you have an enlarged clitoris that acts like a penis and your breasts are gone, that you have sort of decided to give up your "right" to have a child naturally. I mean, part of being a man means that you cannot bear children right?

What do you think? Does this bother anyone else?

Good Advice

I really enjoyed the Barren Advice column yesterday. I really understood where the advice seeker was coming from and the advice really hit close to home. W and I are still trying to figure out which of the three levels we belong to. Still not sure. We've given ourselves the summer to ponder and discuss some more. Then in October, when my next annual appt. is due. It will be decision time. I feel pretty good about that goal.

On the NCLM front, I officially majorly suck. I'm so far off the bandwagon that I'll never be able to catch up. I'm still exploring all the blogs on the list and I will continue to do so, but any sort of organized/orchestrated comment leaving cannot be done by this slacker blogger.