And now by popular demand....

Thanks for all the great comments about my writing block. I think the most popular choice was #5, what to say to those pesky people who ask you WHEN you are going to have kids.

So, first a little background. I come from a huge extended family. And the majority of them got married young and had babies. But, because my parents got college educations and wanted me and my sister and brother to be successful and go places, I did not follow this path. I went to college and then grad school and took my time finding Mr. Right. I also got a great career along the way and became quite successful at what I do. So, I found myself at the age of 31 ready to have kids, while my enormous clan of cousins was working on their 3rd and 4th and then some. So, long story short, I have successfully evaded the "when are you having kids" question for quite sometime. However, as soon as I got married (10 years after everyone else was married) the questions came fast and furious.

As luck would have it, I don't see my extended family much anymore, so I have not had to face the dreaded question from them since we started trying. But just a few weeks ago, we had to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday in my hometown and I knew that I would be dodging around the kid issue. So, my husband and I tried to come up with some smart answers to come back with when my relatives took it upon themselves to stick their noses into our personal business. Here are a few we came up with (keep in mind, these are so totally not serious):

1. No, we don't want kids, they won't let them into our favorite bar.
2. We would love kids, but the restraining order has to be lifted first.
3. No, we're not going to have any kids, they're too sticky.
4. We forgot to give the stork our address.

I think our favorite was the sticky one.

Anyway, I was all prepared. I had my defenses up. I imagined I would be brutally honest and throw our difficulties in everyone's faces and make them feel bad or I would defend my worthiness as an independent, happy, educated, successful career woman who didn't need children to define myself, but I folded. I got exactly 5 kid questions. They were all innocent and well meaning (which made me feel even worse about it for some reason). I hemmed and hawwed around the question: "oh, no, not yet" "maybe someday" "well, you, know it doesn't always work for everyone" etc. etc. Until one of my cousins asked me and I said "no, I think we are just going to get a dog."

What are your favorite answers to the "kid" question?

ICLW Attempt and I need stuff to blog about....

For those of you who read this blog, you know that my attempt at NCLM was a total failure. So, here we are, 2nd day into ICLW and I am optimistic.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my previous post. It is certainly a complicated issue, and I truly wish the "pregnant man" and his family well, but as many of you commented, it still jabs me in the IF. And as others commented, it does make me feel a little bit like a failure.

So, I need something to blog about. My other blog is where I write about my normal, everyday life, but this blog was supposed to be strictly about our struggles to start a family. Because we have been "taking it easy" and "taking time off" from actively trying, I've found my mind is not as occupied with babies as much as it was. Which is good and what we wanted. But, now I need to think of things to write about here on this blog. If I keep with the theme of this blog, I guess it should be infertility, family, etc. related.

Any suggestions?

Here are a few ideas I had. Some things/issues that I have been thinking of lately.

1. deciding if IF treatment is right for us (we're not sure we want to pursue treatment)
2. deciding to pursue treatment or just let the chips fall where they may
3. (a variation on the same theme) deciding that our lives will be ok without kids if that is what our future holds
4. thinking about adoption
5. How to respond to people's questions about having kids, without getting defensive or punching them in the face

Reproductive Rights?

So, the so-called "pregnant man" apparently gave birth to a baby girl. I don't know why this story pokes at my infertility like it does. I was particularly struck by the following paragraphs from an article in Slate Magazine

From Slate Magazine:
Beatie's transformation began a decade ago. "Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights," he explained recently in the Advocate. "Reproductive rights" was a euphemism for his uterus and ovaries. "I actually opted not to do anything to my reproductive organs because I wanted to have a child one day," he told Oprah Winfrey in April.

For eight years, Beatie didn't menstruate. Then, two years ago, "I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections," he recalls. "My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn't have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy." Meanwhile, his beard kept growing.

First of all, "he" had been taking testosterone for 8 years and it only took him 4 months for his cycles to return to normal after he stopped!!!! I'm working on 2 years off of bcp and I still don't feel like my cycles are back to "normal." And then he didn't even need any hormones or drugs to help him get pregnant or maintain his pregnancy? AND got pregnant with one try?

Secondly, what the hell are "reproductive rights." Do all women have the RIGHT to reproduce? What about those of us who can't? Does that mean nature or whatever, took our "rights" away for some reason?

I don't know, this story is obviously complicated, but I kinda think that if you don't want to be a woman any more and are trying to physically change your body so you have an enlarged clitoris that acts like a penis and your breasts are gone, that you have sort of decided to give up your "right" to have a child naturally. I mean, part of being a man means that you cannot bear children right?

What do you think? Does this bother anyone else?

Good Advice

I really enjoyed the Barren Advice column yesterday. I really understood where the advice seeker was coming from and the advice really hit close to home. W and I are still trying to figure out which of the three levels we belong to. Still not sure. We've given ourselves the summer to ponder and discuss some more. Then in October, when my next annual appt. is due. It will be decision time. I feel pretty good about that goal.

On the NCLM front, I officially majorly suck. I'm so far off the bandwagon that I'll never be able to catch up. I'm still exploring all the blogs on the list and I will continue to do so, but any sort of organized/orchestrated comment leaving cannot be done by this slacker blogger.

Shout Out!

I just gotta give a big shout out to all those of you for NCLM and from elsewhere that have been visiting and commenting on my blog! I love it!
And even though I'm now doing NCLM at my own pace (cause sometimes commitments are hard for me) I truly love the support and understanding everyone has brought.

Trying to get some painting done today, so no reflecting on family and kids and whatnot for now, but keep on bringin the love!

Thanks!

I'm Out

So, I didn't even make it two weeks in this crazy NaComLeaMo and I'm already behind and bowing out of the commitment. I just can't seem to leave 6 comments a day. I had a great strategy. I started at the top of the list and went methodically down 5 every day. That way I would be sure to comment on everybody's blogs and not leave anyone out. I was doing great for the first week, then I missed a day and tried to catch up and then forgot where I left off and then accidentily skipped over a couple and then and then and then....

I am really loving all the feedback and comments. I'm loving reading all these new blogs and getting to know all these new peeps, but I just can't keep up the pace with everything else I have going on in my life. I sooooo admire those doing this that can keep up with the commenting pace or even better be an Iron Commenter. I just don't have it in me.

So here is my new goal. I will leave one comment on every blog on this list. It just might take me awhile. I will try very hard to do it in a timely manner, but I can't make any promises.

Sorry, I hope I didn't disappoint too many people. Please keep commenting on my blog if you feel so inclined. I do so love connecting with you.

Why Kids?

Why do we want kids? Is it biological? Is it emotional? Is it societal?

As W and I are trying to figure out what our next steps are, I find myself asking this question a lot. Why do I want kids? I've posed this question to myself before, but I find that my answers are getting different. I'm older, I'm faced with the prospects of not being able to have them the way I thought I would, and it makes me wonder why it is I want them in the first place.

I think my main reasons are still that I do want to add to our family and I do want to contribute to the world by raising a good person to live on after I am gone, but I am no longer defining myself as much as a "mom" type. I am no longer linking it to my identity as a woman as much, and I am no longer thinking of kids as something that you are "supposed" to do in order to exist in society (ie. get married, have kids, have grandkids, etc., etc., etc.).

I guess I am learning that I am still a woman if I am not a mother and I am still a valuable member of society if I don't have kids. But, then, why do I still want one? I'm still working on the answer to that one.

Why do you want kids?