Lazy Weekend with My Little "Family"

It's going to be a LAZY weekend. The sun is still not shinning much here in the Northwest, so outdoor activities are not really much of an inviting option. So, our little "family" (me, W, and our two furry babies) are snuggling up on the couch and watching Battle Star Galactica on DVD. All in all, not a bad way to spend the weekend. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow...

Who is part of your "family?"

Brain Block

I've had brain block on this blog for awhile. I've come to a place in this journey where I'm sort of just treading water until we figure out what we are going to do next, or, rather, what we are ready to do next. I've worked through a lot of my initial feelings about this struggle (through a lot of therapy) and have moved on to a more heady/less emotional place (although my emotions do get the better of me sometimes). We are also very busy in life and work these days, which has preoccupied my brain and daily activities.

So, I find I don't have quite as much to write about here as I did a year ago. This blog was supposed to be about our journey to create our modern family. I think I am going to have to expand that idea in order to fill the pages here week after week. Or, maybe this is a sign that it is time for W and I to really sit down, and DECIDE what our next steps should be. Where is this journey going? What should we do next? Maybe there is more to write about than I realize...

Is Blogging a Woman's Sport?

I love blogging. It's basically like keeping a diary that other people can read. I always kept a diary when I was younger. I like to write and writing in a diary always felt cathartic and theraputic. Looking back on my diaries from high school and college, I often feel foolish about what I thought was important at those young ages, but they were important to me at the time. I find the same sort of cathartic therapy nature in blogging. But blogging has a crazy public aspect to it where you can get feedback from people who can relate to what you are going through or who appreciate what you are doing with your life.

I have two blogs. This one is for my writing about how W and I are struggling to start our family. My other one is really more of a day-to-day blog about our lives and also about crafting. I may start one that is purely about crafting so each blog has a definite theme and outlet for the different aspects of my life, but I need to decide if I have enough time to keep up with that much blogging.

So, far I have only met women through blogging. Makes sense really given that my two blogs are about makin babies and makin crafts. I have one guy friend who bloggs about his life, but other than him I don't really find many men in the blog-o-sphere, then again, I don't think I've known many guys who keep diaries either.

So, that leads me to the question, like diary writing, is blogging a woman's sport? Is there something inherent in being female that causes us to want to share our intimate lives with perfect strangers? It could be an interesting gender study.

Let the commenting begin!!!

Ok, ok, so I haven't been too inspired to write on this blog much these days. I think I've been trying to ignore the whole thing lately. If I keep myself occupied with other things it is easier. And as much as I love the IF blog community and its tremendous support and understanding, I've found it hard to read IF blogs lately, as it reminds me of the big decisions W and I need to make and how we are dragging our feet on it.

However, this is the beginning of NaComLeaveMo and it is my intention to try my darndest to participate. So, I am going to write something, anything to get my ass in gear.

So, here I am in Bend, Oregon for memorial day weekend and it is raining and I seem to have come down with a head cold!!! ugh! And we have tickets to see Modest Mouse tonight and it looks like the weather is going to be bad and I don't really feel like going at all.... total bummer....Since we don't have any kids I was planning a weekend of rock and drunken debauchery for this holiday weekend, but neither my health nor the weather is cooperating. So, instead of a wild weekend I find myself sitting here on the couch in the cabin reading IF blogs. Kinda depressing in a way.

What are you doing this weekend?

I Fear the Unknown

I do.
Sometimes, I would just rather not know; live in blissful denial.

Crafty Therapy

Baby Creations Mosaic
Originally uploaded by lucky lisp

I don't know if this helps or hurts, but for awhile now I have been creating embroidered onesies for my friends and family who are having babies. I really enjoy coming up with new and clever designs to put on baby clothes, but lately I have been wondering if it might be better for me to switch to adult t-shirts and create non-baby related things. Or perhaps it is a little cathartic for me to surround myself with little baby reminders. Afterall, the world is not going to stop having babies just because I don't have one. I am going to have to be around babies for the rest of my life, and I might as well help them look cool and fabulous while I'm at it.

At this time, I have more finished onesies and onesie ideas than I have friends with little babies. So, I'm going to make a little business out of it if I can. I've started a store on ETSY, and, if I get my act together, I'm going to see if some local shops want to consign my work as well. Who knows, maybe I can take this and build a little empire. Either that, or when we do eventually have a baby, it will be the most well-dressed baby in all of Eugene.

I know they're trying to make me feel better, but...

I wish that my friends and family would discuss the possibility that I might NOT be able to have kids and tell me that is OK. Instead, whenever the topic of children come up I get, "It will all work out," or "You'll have kids," or "It takes some people longer," or some other generic answer that seems to dodge the real issue. And that issue is that we have been trying for 18 months now and nothing has happened.

Yes, I know we haven't had many tests yet to determine what is going on.

Yes, I know the sooner we go in to see a specialist the sooner we will know if we indeed can or cannot have kids.

Yes, I know it may be something easy to fix.

Yes, I know there are lots of treatments out there to help us have one if there is a problem.

But, that is not the point.

The point is no one is reassuring me that it is OK if we don't have any kids right now. No one is telling me that having kids is not the end all and be all of life before we find out if it is or isn't, that there are advantages to not having kids, and if that is what life has dealt us, then that is just fine.

I think part of me is reluctant to go in and find out what is going on with our unresponsive reproductive systems because we may find out that we can't have kids, and then it will be final and our hopes will be dealt a serious blow.

Right now we are still operating on the hope that we can get pregnant. As soon as we find out there is a problem, then our hope is gone. And all the nice, reassuring things our friends and family have said to us will turn out to be just that--only nice, reassuring things.

And THEN they will tell me, "It's OK if you don't have any kids," "Kids are not the end all and be all of life," "There are advantages to not having kids," and "This is what life has dealt you, and that is just fine." And I won't believe them. Because they waited until our possibilities were limited to reassure me that I will still be a good, happy, and productive person in this world without a child of my own.