I know they're trying to make me feel better, but...

I wish that my friends and family would discuss the possibility that I might NOT be able to have kids and tell me that is OK. Instead, whenever the topic of children come up I get, "It will all work out," or "You'll have kids," or "It takes some people longer," or some other generic answer that seems to dodge the real issue. And that issue is that we have been trying for 18 months now and nothing has happened.

Yes, I know we haven't had many tests yet to determine what is going on.

Yes, I know the sooner we go in to see a specialist the sooner we will know if we indeed can or cannot have kids.

Yes, I know it may be something easy to fix.

Yes, I know there are lots of treatments out there to help us have one if there is a problem.

But, that is not the point.

The point is no one is reassuring me that it is OK if we don't have any kids right now. No one is telling me that having kids is not the end all and be all of life before we find out if it is or isn't, that there are advantages to not having kids, and if that is what life has dealt us, then that is just fine.

I think part of me is reluctant to go in and find out what is going on with our unresponsive reproductive systems because we may find out that we can't have kids, and then it will be final and our hopes will be dealt a serious blow.

Right now we are still operating on the hope that we can get pregnant. As soon as we find out there is a problem, then our hope is gone. And all the nice, reassuring things our friends and family have said to us will turn out to be just that--only nice, reassuring things.

And THEN they will tell me, "It's OK if you don't have any kids," "Kids are not the end all and be all of life," "There are advantages to not having kids," and "This is what life has dealt you, and that is just fine." And I won't believe them. Because they waited until our possibilities were limited to reassure me that I will still be a good, happy, and productive person in this world without a child of my own.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Have Kids (in no particular order)

My sister recently commented that this blog made her sad. She got me to thinking. I guess I do tend to write on this blog when I am feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed by all the complicated feelings I have been experiencing while W and I try to start a family. It was not my intention, however, to be a big sad-sack. So, I've devoted this entry to explore the more positive reasons for being without child.

1. No Kids: Perhaps the best (and worst) thing about not having any kids, is not having any kids. I feel this way especially when I visit with my friend Julie when both her 4-year-old and her 1-year-old are having simultaneous meltdowns. Or when I want to do something spontaneous with my mom-girlfriends and they need an hour to gather together the kids before they can get out the door.

2. My Marriage: W and I already have a fabulous marriage. And I can't imagine much that would drastically change our relationship, but I do imagine that kids would change it in smaller, day-to-day ways. Just the amount of time we spend together would obviously be effected. So, not having kids would allow us to keep growing as a couple and be selfish in the development of our marriage.

3. Eating Out, Shopping, Traveling, and Generally Spending Money on Myself: As a young couple in downtown we like to go out to eat and frequent the shops. We both admit that we spend way too much money on food and drink. Our favorite place is Davis' Restaurant and Bar, where our good friend Chris is the bartender and we know most of the regulars. We are there at least once a week, but more often, several times a week. We also like to take small trips to the mountains or coast on weekends. This is one nice thing about not having kids and many of our friends with kids envy our ability to go out when we please and have seen the latest movies in the theaters.

4. Watching Inappropriate Television: I'm an admitted TV junky. The worse it is, the more I like it. So, one nice thing about not having kids is I can watch as many episodes of Celebrity Rehab or The Girls Next Door as I want without having to censor it. Perhaps this one backfires on me a bit, because if I did have kids, I would probably benefit from not watching so much television. Could go either way.

5. Sex: This is probably the main reason my husband would vote for not having kids. It is a concern of mine too. Frequency, quality, quantity, all change after having kids. Without kids, W and I are free to get our freak on and have as much sex as we want, whenever we want.

6. Sleep: This may be in a tie with number five in W's mind. I don't need as much as he does, but I do like to get my full 6–8 hours.

7. White Furniture: Obvious.

8. Language: For those who don't know me very well, I swear like a F*%#ing sailor. It started in the fourth grade. It was my way of rebellion, as I was otherwise a total goody-two-shoes. Peppering my every-day language with the f-word would pretty much have to stop if I had kids. Not a big deal really, but a bad habit I would have to break.

9. My Career: I have to be a working mom. We are a two income household and not much is going to change that. And, I love my job very much. I would not want to give it up. If we have a kid, my work place is super supportive and will allow me to work from home and also bring a baby into the office. But, I know that if I have a kid, my career will be limited in many ways, and I would not excel in the company as quickly. Not having a kid would allow me to really develop my career to its fullest potential.

10. Pets: I have always thought that if we didn't have kids we would have more pets and do more things to help with the worlds animal population. We love animals, and without kids we would definitely be able to do more for our pets. I have always worried about how my beloved cats would react to me having to shift much of my attention away from them and on to a baby.

11. (bonus entry) My Willingness to Sacrifice Myself for Others: This is a great attribute for moms to have of course, but it often happens at the detriment of a mom's own self. I know I would give everything to my child without thinking about myself, 24/7. But, I don't want to loose myself in the process. Without kids, I can be selfish and concentrate on making me the best me there is.

A New Year, A New Home, and A New Outlook

W and I became home owners this weekend. We bought a two-bedroom, two-bath condo in downtown Eugene. It has an amazing view of downtown and the surrounding hill sides and mountains.

It gets an amazing amount of light. And most importantly, it is all ours. We can do whatever we want with it. We now have a space to make our nest. And a nest is exactly what I hope it will become.
Someone once told me that babies usually wait to come into a settled atmosphere. Meaning when my life was "settled" I would finally get a baby. Now, I'm sure she was trying to make me feel better about not being able to get pregnant quickly, cause I have known many people who were NOT settled and baby didn't wait for them, but there may actually be a kernel of truth to what she said. It would have been exceedingly much harder to be pregnant and/or have a little one in our noisy, dusty, cramped old apartment, and while we did live there for nearly 5 years, I never really felt like it was "ours." So, maybe owning our own place will bring about a sense of stability to our lives that wasn't there before.
More than anything, owning our own home gives me something to focus my energy on. Painting, remodeling, decorating, and other new home owner responsibilities give my brain a preoccupation that has been previously filled by trying to get pregnant. Perhaps by not focusing on the fact that we aren't getting pregnant will in fact cause us to get pregnant. For me, the things I most desire come to me when I am least expecting them. With my attention fully focused on our new home, I'm hoping that a little someone sneaks up on me.

Should it be this hard?

Should getting pregnant be this hard? I guess they do say that all good things come to those who wait and things worth having are worth fighting for and slow and steady wins the race, but is something you have to struggle with so much really meant to be?

We had positive results from our first round of tests. My progesterone levels indicate that I am ovulating and W has a 99 million strong troop force. We need to find out if his swimmers are able to reach their target or are swimming in circles. But the lab we are working with makes it nearly impossible to do this. W has to drive out to a lab in the outskirts of our town to "collect" the sample. Then he has to take it himself to another lab by driving to Springfield (an adjacent town) within 15 minutes to have it analyzed. They suggest holding the "sample" under your armpit while you drive to keep it warm. Does this seem like too much work for someone to have to go through just to get your sperm looked at? We thought so.

More than anything it is just another example of how hard this seems to be for us compared to others. It just seems like everything is a struggle. I think we will stop struggling for awhile.

Can we afford fertility? or How much should you pay to have a baby?

I've read articles before that talk about the cost to raise a child. The numbers are usually shocking. But lately I've been trying to figure out how much it will cost us just to get the baby in the first place.

Here is what we have spent trying to get pregnant naturally for the last year:

1 year of prenatal vitamin--$20/month x 12 months = $240
6 months of ovulation prediction kits--$20/month x 6 months = $120
4 bottles of Robitussin to increase CM--$8/bottle x 4 = $32
2 pregnancy tests (with negative results)--$15 for one pack = $15
6 months of therapist appointments to deal with stress and anxiety of not getting pregnant while others around us do so seemingly effortlessly--$75/visit x 2 visits per month x 6 months = $900
1 office visit with OB/GYN at the 1 year mark--$15 copay = $15
1 progesterone test at the 1 year mark (normal results)--unexpectedly covered by insurance= $0
1 sperm count test at the 1 year mark (above normal results)--a surprisingly low $25 = $25

Total Cost of One Year of Infertility = $1,347

Here are the possible costs to pursue further fertility treatment:

1 initial consultation visit at the fertility clinic (not covered by insurance)--$400-$500
Tests, ultrasounds, lab-work (not covered by insurance)--$400-$500
Possible ovulation induction, if I am not ovulating correctly (not covered by insurance)--$700-$900 per cycle
Possible artificial insemination, if W's swimmers aren't swimming (not covered by insurance)--$300-$600 per cycle
Possible in-vitro fertilization, if nothing else works (definitely not covered by insurance)--$10,000+ per cycle

Total Cost of Possible Fertility Treatments = anywhere from $1,800 to $2,500 to $15,000 per cycle.

Here are the possible costs for adoption:

Foster Care Adoptions	$0 - $2,500
Licensed Private Agency Adoptions	$5,000 - $40,000+
Independent Adoptions	$8,000 - $40,000+
Facilitated/Unlicensed Adoptions	$5,000 - $40,000+
Intercountry Adoptions	$7,000 - $30,000

Total Costs to Pursue Adoption = anywhere from $0 to $40,000

Yearly income for both W and I = $50,000
Discretionary money after mortgage, bills, and debt are paid = $500/month (if we are lucky)
Amount of years it will take us to save to pay for fertility treatment or adoption = anywhere from 4 months to 6.5 years
Age we will be in 6.5 years = 39 years old

End result of having a baby = priceless?

Try, Try, and Try Again

Try:

1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: tried to ski.
2. To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability: Try this casserole. Try the door.
3. Law
   1. To examine or hear (evidence or a case) by judicial process.
   2. To put (an accused person) on trial.
4. To subject to great strain or hardship; tax: The last steep ascent tried my every muscle.
5. To melt (lard, for example) to separate out impurities; render.
6. To smooth, fit, or align accurately.

Two Months Ago...

This is my most current writing...

Breeder—Non-breeder—Wanna-breeder

Because most couples (70–80%) get pregnant within a year of going off birth-control, doctors, especially fertility experts, don’t want to see you until you’ve passed that 12 month milestone. Not getting pregnant in the first year of “trying” doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. It is really just an average time based on statistics, and individual couples can fall within or out of those numbers and still successfully achieve pregnancy. But for those of us who are taking longer than average to conceive, that year mark dangles out in front of you like the proverbial carrot. It signifies the date when we can finally figure out if there is something wrong or our timing just hasn’t been quite right. I don’t know about other women, but for me, the race to get to that carrot seems like the longest journey I’ve ever taken. But my OB/GYN is very busy and “highly recommends” waiting the full year before she will see us for a consultation. In the meantime, I find myself in an interesting limbo land of “trying”—not yet pregnant, not yet infertile, trying to achieve something I greatly desire and am not yet sure I am capable of. I’m a wanna-be.

When I was in middle school, a wanna-be was someone who had some of the characteristics and desire to fit within a certain social circle, but didn’t quite satisfy all the requirements for full membership. My friend Jack was a wanna-be skater then. He had the clothes, the wedge haircut, and the skateboard. He even hung out with a few other skaters. But he lacked the “bad” attitude, the dare devil antics, and irreverence toward authority. His overall studiousness, quiet demeanor, and subscription to conservative, Republican ideals would eventually lead him away from sidewalk surfing and toward a future in computer engineering. But for two years in junior high, Jack walked the line between wanting to be a badass skater and succumbing to his inherent conservative nature.

As an adult, I’m finding that women of a certain age fall into three categories: non-breeders, breeders, and the grown-up version of the wanna-be, wanna-breeders. The non-breeders have decided (or have always known) they do not want to have children, and, barring any accidents, take measures to insure that they do not procreate. The breeders, obviously, either have children already or are pregnant and about to give birth. Then, there are the wanna-breeders. These women can range from those who definitely want to have children sometime in the future (they’re not ready yet) to those who are actively trying to get pregnant. The wanna-breeders who are trying to conceive are walking a path between their emotions and desires to have a baby and their body’s ability or non-ability to achieve that. For some, it is easy to go from wanna-breeder to breeder. For others, their desire to be a mom might not be enough to overcome the realities of their (or their partner’s) reproductive systems.

Well into our 11th month of “trying,” I have many of the characteristics of an expectant mother. I have the maternity books. I know what to eat and not eat. I’ve cut back on caffeine and started taking folic acid. I have a maternity leave and return plan at work. I know where I would like to give birth. We have several names in mind and a pile of baby clothes (supplied by my wonderful sister-in-law, who is very anxious for her children to have cousins to play with). I’ve even thought about how to introduce our two cats to a new member of the family. However, the one crucial requirement I am missing for my membership into motherhood is a baby. So, we continue to “try” and work our way slowly toward that looming year mark when we can finally find out whether we are capable of meeting the final requirement in our quest for parenthood or whether we will need to seek membership in a different club.