From Such Great Heights

Spreading like wildfire

2009-03-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

My company is becoming baby central. My coworker (and boss' daughter) just announced that she is also expecting. Just 3 or 4 weeks behind me. My other coworker and her partner have given themselves a deadline of April 15th to decide once and for all if they want to add kids to their family. And yet another coworker (boss' son) and his wife, after years of health concerns, are now officially trying.

It's going to be an interesting year...

A bit like my prom....

2009-02-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

Let me just start out by saying, YES, I am excited about our impending bundle of joy!

But, I am also surprised at how much MORE excited everyone else is.

Pregnancy so far feels a bit like my prom.

I spent many years of adolescence dreaming about my prom. You read about it in books and magazines. You see the dresses in the stores. You watch it in movies. It is always made out to be such an exciting and magical night. A night to remember. I don't really know what I was expecting, but I do distinctly remember arriving at the prom and thinking "really? this is it? this is what I was waiting for?" Don't get me wrong, I had a great time. It was a very fun night. But somehow all the anticipation and speculation and imagination about what it WOULD be like, far outweighed what it was ACTUALLY like.

I feel the same way about my pregnancy so far. After 2 1/2 years of anticipation, speculation and imagination, the reality doesn't quite compare. Again, I don't know what I was expecting, but somehow it doesn't measure up to the book and magazine and movie versions. Partly I think it is because I feel great--hardly any morning sickness--so I don't really feel any different yet.

Now granted I know I'm only 12 weeks at this point, so I know this will all change rapidly, and by the time I give birth I KNOW I will feel a connection with this baby. But, I don't think I will feel as magical as I thought I would, just more real.

Just like my prom.

Life and Death

2009-02-22T14:47:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a bit of the circle of life this week.

A very good friend lost his battle with brain cancer this week. He was only 37.
We also received some not so good news about another member of our friend family who has been missing since November. It is too long of a story to get into, but needless to say it looks like perhaps some foul play is involved in his disappearance.

But even as we loose these friends we are expecting to bring a new life into the world shortly. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense to me.

Progress

2009-02-19T11:27:00.000-08:00

So, I'm in my 11th week now and feeling great! I've been sooooo lucky not to have hardly any morning sickness. I've mostly been tired and I hate to say it...constipated...(more water please).

We got to hear the heartbeat last week, which was pretty amazing. It was only for a split second and I almost missed it because I was gabbing so much with the midwife, but W heard it right away and his face just lit up.

I told everyone at work last week and they are all so ecstatic. I am going to have a lot of support from my work family. It's almost like they are all getting a new grandbaby or niece or nephew for themselves.

I am having a lot of mixed feeling about baby and our future life with baby. I guess that is natural. I'll try and write about it some more this week. I'm going to try and do ICLW again. We'll see how it goes....

Here's my first belly shot at 7 weeks--pretty much no belly....just big boobs.

Just When You Least Suspect It!

2009-01-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

I wasn't prepared.
I had given up.
I didn't even believe it at first.
But, for some inexplicable reason it WORKED!
IT WORKED!
I don't know why or how, but it did!
Unbelievable. After all this time....I can hardly believe it.

Best Wishes for the Next Year

2008-12-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

The passing of another year is often difficult when you are dealing with IF. It marks yet another span of time of no success and marks another year in which your chances of getting pregnant (statistically speaking) get smaller and smaller.

As difficult as it can be, I am choosing this year to mark the passing of 2008 by setting goals for W and I to make decisions about our next steps. And while I do not yet know if those decisions will bring us to parenthood or resolve us in our current happy, but childless, lifestyle, I'd like to relish a little in what we do have, which is some very cool nieces and nephews who do fill our lives with much joy (I included our furry babies as well).

So, Happy New Year to All! I hope this year brings some joy to those of you seeking it and some resolution for those of you who need it. We are blessed and I hope those blessings continue in whatever form they are meant to.

:) Cheers

Are you F***ing Kidding me?????

2008-12-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

So not only is the "pregnant man" having a second baby!!!!
but now this....
Ugh!

What are the odds?

2008-12-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

What are the odds that someone's best friend from high school and best friend from college and best friend from grad school would also experience infertility? Is it me or is that a weird coincidence?

Failing Miserably

2008-11-24T10:40:00.000-08:00

I am already failing miserably at ICLW. Why do I have so much to do these days? Between work, house, crafts, friends, cats, and whatever else occupies my attention I find myself lagging in the blogging world. It is at times like these that I can't imagine adding a kid into the mix. I don't know how people do it. And the longer it takes us the more things we gain in our lives the more I am in awe of those who have kids.
At times like these I think maybe someone is telling me that I am meant to do other things with my life.
Be a perfect wife and homemaker.
Be a perfect aunt to all our nephews and nieces (blood related and not).
Be creative and a crafty entrepreneur.
Be a good friend, sister, daughter, grand-daughter.
Be me.

Nothing is better than Something....in some cases

2008-11-21T08:17:00.000-08:00

Welcome all from ICLW! I've done this a couple times before and each time I get better at it. I haven't made it through a whole week consistently yet, but I always appreciate the little I do. One of these days I will find it in myself to be an iron commentor....maybe....

Anyway, as to the meaning of my subject line. Lately I have been grateful that nothing has happened for us so far on the TTC front. We've been "trying" more or less for over 2 years now and we've never had one BFP or false BFP or a miscarriage or anything. And as frustrating and disappointing as that has been, I am grateful.

I am grateful because I am currently watching one of my dearest friends in the world go through two miscarriages in the last year and it is so hard. She is a wreck and I am a wreck for her. And though I kinda appreciate having a dear friend to talk to about IF (as opposed to all my other dear friends who seemingly have gotten pregnant time and time again without any thought and now have beautiful children) my heart aches for her and I am grateful I haven't had to go through "something."

In my mind, having something happen in the TTC world only to have it taken away from you, to have your hopes dashed so abrasively, is much worse than to just have nothing happen month after month. For me, nothing gives me more hope. Maybe I am just fooling myself. Maybe my friend has more hope. After all, at least she knows she CAN get pregnant. She just needs to figure out how to make it stick. Maybe I'm just avoiding the inevitable. Maybe nothing is nothing right?

All I know is that I think my friend is brave and courageous and going through something that I don't know I could face as well as she has.

What do you think? Did you feel better or worse before you knew there was something wrong?

Question of the Day

2008-11-11T14:49:00.001-08:00

How do you fix something when there is nothing wrong?

As you may have gathered from the question, all our test came back normal....So what's the problem?

I guess I like to torture myself....

2008-11-10T12:41:00.000-08:00

Not much new here on the baby front...or whatever you want to call it.
I am still, however, torturing myself by making ridiculously cute baby onesies for other people.
I've got these all up on my ETSY shop, for those of you who were able to get one of your own (or knows someone who did).

That Time of Year Again

2008-10-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

Yup, it's that time of year again. Time for the ole Annual Exam! Yipppeeee!

Actually, I really like my Gyno/Nurse Practitioner. She is very good. But, the appointment also marks two years (can you believe it?!?! two years!!!!!) of trying with no success. It also marks a point where we need to make some decisions. You know those pesky decisions I've been writing about for so long? Well, I finally need to make some.

Proceed with more testing with my regular doc and get a clear diagnosis?
Skip the middle man and go straight to the fertility specialist (which we really can't afford and insurance doesn't cover one bit)?
Just keep on the same path as we are now (if it happens, it happens)?
Jump over all pregnancy options and figure out how we feel about adoption and fostering?

I'm a Libra, so I labor over these kinds of decisions. It seems like every one has valid options that could work out for us. How do you know if you are making the RIGHT decision? What if you make the WRONG one?

Oy! Deciding what color to paint the bedrooms is prooving to be so much easier.

The angry woman

2008-09-24T11:29:00.001-07:00

I've noticed myself getting bitter. Well, not really bitter, but saying things I really don't need to say or even want to say. I've noticed myself shoving our difficulties (I won't say infertility yet, as we don't really have a diagnosis, but TECHNICALLY, it is infertility) in peoples' faces.

This is not the woman I want to be.

Example:
My very best friend J's sister and brother were both recently expecting. When J's sister was a week overdue she was relaying to me how her sister was feeling a lot of pressure from family and friends traveling from afar to have the baby already. And I said something like, but not in these exact words, "Well at least she can HAVE a baby. I'm feeling all kinds of pressure and I can't even get pregnant."

Well, of course it didn't really sound like that to J, but it did to me. And I was embarrassed after the fact and I wrote her an apology, to which she said she hadn't even paid any mind. What I was trying to say is that I empathize with people who are feeling pressure from family. Not that my situation was the same as her sister's but that I understood family pressure.

This is just one of several comments in the same vein I have found myself making lately. I don't want to be a bitter. I don't want to be angry. In fact, I don't think I am either of those things on a day to day basis.

Most of all, I don't want to throw our difficulties in other peoples' faces. We are each given a path that we must live and if this is my path than so be it. That is the kind of woman I want to be.

I almost forgot!

2008-09-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot that it was ICLW! Thanks to Kirke who left me a comment on a really old post, which reminded me! So, not much has been happening on the TTC front. I have been very busy in life, getting ready for a craft show, working on our condo, etc. (which you can read on my other blog that I have been writing more on if you like).

It has now officially been 2 years since I went of BCP and we started TTC. This last year has been filled with us just trying to relax (I know I know I hate it when people tell you to just relax, but it's the truth) and trying to figure out how we want to proceed. I know I've written before that we are not quite sure how we feel about infertility treatment to begin with and until recently we haven't been in a place to even think about adoption or explore how we feel about that avenue.
But, now I think we are ready to take the first "baby steps" into finding out what is going on with us. I have my annual appt. in Oct. at which time we are going to proceed with as many tests as we can get through my regular doc. We had two postitive tests before, but got distracted with life before we went on to pursue more.

It may seem to some that we are moving at a snail's pace in our pursuit for a family. And I must admit, we are. But, that is kind of how we do things. We don't like to be pressured and don't like to be desperate for anything. But we both agree we at least need to begin to figure out what our options are.

All in all, over the last 2 years, I think taking our time has given us some freedom. As much as we very much want to have our own children, I think we are coming to the conclusion that if for some reason that is not meant to be, then we would be fine being aunt and uncle, sister and brother, husband and wife, and all the other titles that help define who we are.

How do you define yourself? Do you need children to describe who you are?

And now by popular demand....

2008-07-23T20:03:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the great comments about my writing block. I think the most popular choice was #5, what to say to those pesky people who ask you WHEN you are going to have kids.

So, first a little background. I come from a huge extended family. And the majority of them got married young and had babies. But, because my parents got college educations and wanted me and my sister and brother to be successful and go places, I did not follow this path. I went to college and then grad school and took my time finding Mr. Right. I also got a great career along the way and became quite successful at what I do. So, I found myself at the age of 31 ready to have kids, while my enormous clan of cousins was working on their 3rd and 4th and then some. So, long story short, I have successfully evaded the "when are you having kids" question for quite sometime. However, as soon as I got married (10 years after everyone else was married) the questions came fast and furious.

As luck would have it, I don't see my extended family much anymore, so I have not had to face the dreaded question from them since we started trying. But just a few weeks ago, we had to attend my grandmother's 90th birthday in my hometown and I knew that I would be dodging around the kid issue. So, my husband and I tried to come up with some smart answers to come back with when my relatives took it upon themselves to stick their noses into our personal business. Here are a few we came up with (keep in mind, these are so totally not serious):

1. No, we don't want kids, they won't let them into our favorite bar.
2. We would love kids, but the restraining order has to be lifted first.
3. No, we're not going to have any kids, they're too sticky.
4. We forgot to give the stork our address.

I think our favorite was the sticky one.

Anyway, I was all prepared. I had my defenses up. I imagined I would be brutally honest and throw our difficulties in everyone's faces and make them feel bad or I would defend my worthiness as an independent, happy, educated, successful career woman who didn't need children to define myself, but I folded. I got exactly 5 kid questions. They were all innocent and well meaning (which made me feel even worse about it for some reason). I hemmed and hawwed around the question: "oh, no, not yet" "maybe someday" "well, you, know it doesn't always work for everyone" etc. etc. Until one of my cousins asked me and I said "no, I think we are just going to get a dog."

What are your favorite answers to the "kid" question?

ICLW Attempt and I need stuff to blog about....

2008-07-22T10:13:00.000-07:00

For those of you who read this blog, you know that my attempt at NCLM was a total failure. So, here we are, 2nd day into ICLW and I am optimistic.

Thanks to all of you who commented on my previous post. It is certainly a complicated issue, and I truly wish the "pregnant man" and his family well, but as many of you commented, it still jabs me in the IF. And as others commented, it does make me feel a little bit like a failure.

So, I need something to blog about. My other blog is where I write about my normal, everyday life, but this blog was supposed to be strictly about our struggles to start a family. Because we have been "taking it easy" and "taking time off" from actively trying, I've found my mind is not as occupied with babies as much as it was. Which is good and what we wanted. But, now I need to think of things to write about here on this blog. If I keep with the theme of this blog, I guess it should be infertility, family, etc. related.

Any suggestions?

Here are a few ideas I had. Some things/issues that I have been thinking of lately.

1. deciding if IF treatment is right for us (we're not sure we want to pursue treatment)
2. deciding to pursue treatment or just let the chips fall where they may
3. (a variation on the same theme) deciding that our lives will be ok without kids if that is what our future holds
4. thinking about adoption
5. How to respond to people's questions about having kids, without getting defensive or punching them in the face

Reproductive Rights?

2008-07-08T16:25:00.000-07:00

So, the so-called "pregnant man" apparently gave birth to a baby girl. I don't know why this story pokes at my infertility like it does. I was particularly struck by the following paragraphs from an article in Slate Magazine

From Slate Magazine:
Beatie's transformation began a decade ago. "Sterilization is not a requirement for sex reassignment, so I decided to have chest reconstruction and testosterone therapy but kept my reproductive rights," he explained recently in the Advocate. "Reproductive rights" was a euphemism for his uterus and ovaries. "I actually opted not to do anything to my reproductive organs because I wanted to have a child one day," he told Oprah Winfrey in April.

For eight years, Beatie didn't menstruate. Then, two years ago, "I stopped taking my bimonthly testosterone injections," he recalls. "My body regulated itself after about four months, and I didn't have to take any exogenous estrogen, progesterone, or fertility drugs to aid my pregnancy." Meanwhile, his beard kept growing.

First of all, "he" had been taking testosterone for 8 years and it only took him 4 months for his cycles to return to normal after he stopped!!!! I'm working on 2 years off of bcp and I still don't feel like my cycles are back to "normal." And then he didn't even need any hormones or drugs to help him get pregnant or maintain his pregnancy? AND got pregnant with one try?

Secondly, what the hell are "reproductive rights." Do all women have the RIGHT to reproduce? What about those of us who can't? Does that mean nature or whatever, took our "rights" away for some reason?

I don't know, this story is obviously complicated, but I kinda think that if you don't want to be a woman any more and are trying to physically change your body so you have an enlarged clitoris that acts like a penis and your breasts are gone, that you have sort of decided to give up your "right" to have a child naturally. I mean, part of being a man means that you cannot bear children right?

What do you think? Does this bother anyone else?

Good Advice

2008-06-25T11:42:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed the Barren Advice column yesterday. I really understood where the advice seeker was coming from and the advice really hit close to home. W and I are still trying to figure out which of the three levels we belong to. Still not sure. We've given ourselves the summer to ponder and discuss some more. Then in October, when my next annual appt. is due. It will be decision time. I feel pretty good about that goal.

On the NCLM front, I officially majorly suck. I'm so far off the bandwagon that I'll never be able to catch up. I'm still exploring all the blogs on the list and I will continue to do so, but any sort of organized/orchestrated comment leaving cannot be done by this slacker blogger.

Shout Out!

2008-06-08T13:31:00.000-07:00

I just gotta give a big shout out to all those of you for NCLM and from elsewhere that have been visiting and commenting on my blog! I love it!
And even though I'm now doing NCLM at my own pace (cause sometimes commitments are hard for me) I truly love the support and understanding everyone has brought.

Trying to get some painting done today, so no reflecting on family and kids and whatnot for now, but keep on bringin the love!

Thanks!

I'm Out

2008-06-05T18:53:00.001-07:00

So, I didn't even make it two weeks in this crazy NaComLeaMo and I'm already behind and bowing out of the commitment. I just can't seem to leave 6 comments a day. I had a great strategy. I started at the top of the list and went methodically down 5 every day. That way I would be sure to comment on everybody's blogs and not leave anyone out. I was doing great for the first week, then I missed a day and tried to catch up and then forgot where I left off and then accidentily skipped over a couple and then and then and then....

I am really loving all the feedback and comments. I'm loving reading all these new blogs and getting to know all these new peeps, but I just can't keep up the pace with everything else I have going on in my life. I sooooo admire those doing this that can keep up with the commenting pace or even better be an Iron Commenter. I just don't have it in me.

So here is my new goal. I will leave one comment on every blog on this list. It just might take me awhile. I will try very hard to do it in a timely manner, but I can't make any promises.

Sorry, I hope I didn't disappoint too many people. Please keep commenting on my blog if you feel so inclined. I do so love connecting with you.

Why Kids?

2008-06-02T14:42:00.000-07:00

Why do we want kids? Is it biological? Is it emotional? Is it societal?

As W and I are trying to figure out what our next steps are, I find myself asking this question a lot. Why do I want kids? I've posed this question to myself before, but I find that my answers are getting different. I'm older, I'm faced with the prospects of not being able to have them the way I thought I would, and it makes me wonder why it is I want them in the first place.

I think my main reasons are still that I do want to add to our family and I do want to contribute to the world by raising a good person to live on after I am gone, but I am no longer defining myself as much as a "mom" type. I am no longer linking it to my identity as a woman as much, and I am no longer thinking of kids as something that you are "supposed" to do in order to exist in society (ie. get married, have kids, have grandkids, etc., etc., etc.).

I guess I am learning that I am still a woman if I am not a mother and I am still a valuable member of society if I don't have kids. But, then, why do I still want one? I'm still working on the answer to that one.

Why do you want kids?

Lazy Weekend with My Little "Family"

2008-05-31T18:38:00.000-07:00

It's going to be a LAZY weekend. The sun is still not shinning much here in the Northwest, so outdoor activities are not really much of an inviting option. So, our little "family" (me, W, and our two furry babies) are snuggling up on the couch and watching Battle Star Galactica on DVD. All in all, not a bad way to spend the weekend. Maybe the sun will come out tomorrow...

Who is part of your "family?"

Brain Block

2008-05-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

I've had brain block on this blog for awhile. I've come to a place in this journey where I'm sort of just treading water until we figure out what we are going to do next, or, rather, what we are ready to do next. I've worked through a lot of my initial feelings about this struggle (through a lot of therapy) and have moved on to a more heady/less emotional place (although my emotions do get the better of me sometimes). We are also very busy in life and work these days, which has preoccupied my brain and daily activities.

So, I find I don't have quite as much to write about here as I did a year ago. This blog was supposed to be about our journey to create our modern family. I think I am going to have to expand that idea in order to fill the pages here week after week. Or, maybe this is a sign that it is time for W and I to really sit down, and DECIDE what our next steps should be. Where is this journey going? What should we do next? Maybe there is more to write about than I realize...

Is Blogging a Woman's Sport?

2008-05-27T09:20:00.000-07:00

I love blogging. It's basically like keeping a diary that other people can read. I always kept a diary when I was younger. I like to write and writing in a diary always felt cathartic and theraputic. Looking back on my diaries from high school and college, I often feel foolish about what I thought was important at those young ages, but they were important to me at the time. I find the same sort of cathartic therapy nature in blogging. But blogging has a crazy public aspect to it where you can get feedback from people who can relate to what you are going through or who appreciate what you are doing with your life.

I have two blogs. This one is for my writing about how W and I are struggling to start our family. My other one is really more of a day-to-day blog about our lives and also about crafting. I may start one that is purely about crafting so each blog has a definite theme and outlet for the different aspects of my life, but I need to decide if I have enough time to keep up with that much blogging.

So, far I have only met women through blogging. Makes sense really given that my two blogs are about makin babies and makin crafts. I have one guy friend who bloggs about his life, but other than him I don't really find many men in the blog-o-sphere, then again, I don't think I've known many guys who keep diaries either.

So, that leads me to the question, like diary writing, is blogging a woman's sport? Is there something inherent in being female that causes us to want to share our intimate lives with perfect strangers? It could be an interesting gender study.

Let the commenting begin!!!

2008-05-25T11:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, ok, so I haven't been too inspired to write on this blog much these days. I think I've been trying to ignore the whole thing lately. If I keep myself occupied with other things it is easier. And as much as I love the IF blog community and its tremendous support and understanding, I've found it hard to read IF blogs lately, as it reminds me of the big decisions W and I need to make and how we are dragging our feet on it.

However, this is the beginning of NaComLeaveMo and it is my intention to try my darndest to participate. So, I am going to write something, anything to get my ass in gear.

So, here I am in Bend, Oregon for memorial day weekend and it is raining and I seem to have come down with a head cold!!! ugh! And we have tickets to see Modest Mouse tonight and it looks like the weather is going to be bad and I don't really feel like going at all.... total bummer....Since we don't have any kids I was planning a weekend of rock and drunken debauchery for this holiday weekend, but neither my health nor the weather is cooperating. So, instead of a wild weekend I find myself sitting here on the couch in the cabin reading IF blogs. Kinda depressing in a way.

What are you doing this weekend?

I Fear the Unknown

2008-05-09T11:12:00.000-07:00

I do.
Sometimes, I would just rather not know; live in blissful denial.

Crafty Therapy

2008-04-21T11:44:00.001-07:00

Baby Creations Mosaic
Originally uploaded by lucky lisp

I don't know if this helps or hurts, but for awhile now I have been creating embroidered onesies for my friends and family who are having babies. I really enjoy coming up with new and clever designs to put on baby clothes, but lately I have been wondering if it might be better for me to switch to adult t-shirts and create non-baby related things. Or perhaps it is a little cathartic for me to surround myself with little baby reminders. Afterall, the world is not going to stop having babies just because I don't have one. I am going to have to be around babies for the rest of my life, and I might as well help them look cool and fabulous while I'm at it.

At this time, I have more finished onesies and onesie ideas than I have friends with little babies. So, I'm going to make a little business out of it if I can. I've started a store on ETSY, and, if I get my act together, I'm going to see if some local shops want to consign my work as well. Who knows, maybe I can take this and build a little empire. Either that, or when we do eventually have a baby, it will be the most well-dressed baby in all of Eugene.

I know they're trying to make me feel better, but...

2008-03-31T12:56:00.000-07:00

I wish that my friends and family would discuss the possibility that I might NOT be able to have kids and tell me that is OK. Instead, whenever the topic of children come up I get, "It will all work out," or "You'll have kids," or "It takes some people longer," or some other generic answer that seems to dodge the real issue. And that issue is that we have been trying for 18 months now and nothing has happened.

Yes, I know we haven't had many tests yet to determine what is going on.

Yes, I know the sooner we go in to see a specialist the sooner we will know if we indeed can or cannot have kids.

Yes, I know it may be something easy to fix.

Yes, I know there are lots of treatments out there to help us have one if there is a problem.

But, that is not the point.

The point is no one is reassuring me that it is OK if we don't have any kids right now. No one is telling me that having kids is not the end all and be all of life before we find out if it is or isn't, that there are advantages to not having kids, and if that is what life has dealt us, then that is just fine.

I think part of me is reluctant to go in and find out what is going on with our unresponsive reproductive systems because we may find out that we can't have kids, and then it will be final and our hopes will be dealt a serious blow.

Right now we are still operating on the hope that we can get pregnant. As soon as we find out there is a problem, then our hope is gone. And all the nice, reassuring things our friends and family have said to us will turn out to be just that--only nice, reassuring things.

And THEN they will tell me, "It's OK if you don't have any kids," "Kids are not the end all and be all of life," "There are advantages to not having kids," and "This is what life has dealt you, and that is just fine." And I won't believe them. Because they waited until our possibilities were limited to reassure me that I will still be a good, happy, and productive person in this world without a child of my own.

Top Ten Reasons Not to Have Kids (in no particular order)

2008-03-06T15:04:00.000-08:00

My sister recently commented that this blog made her sad. She got me to thinking. I guess I do tend to write on this blog when I am feeling down or frustrated or overwhelmed by all the complicated feelings I have been experiencing while W and I try to start a family. It was not my intention, however, to be a big sad-sack. So, I've devoted this entry to explore the more positive reasons for being without child.

1. No Kids: Perhaps the best (and worst) thing about not having any kids, is not having any kids. I feel this way especially when I visit with my friend Julie when both her 4-year-old and her 1-year-old are having simultaneous meltdowns. Or when I want to do something spontaneous with my mom-girlfriends and they need an hour to gather together the kids before they can get out the door.

2. My Marriage: W and I already have a fabulous marriage. And I can't imagine much that would drastically change our relationship, but I do imagine that kids would change it in smaller, day-to-day ways. Just the amount of time we spend together would obviously be effected. So, not having kids would allow us to keep growing as a couple and be selfish in the development of our marriage.

3. Eating Out, Shopping, Traveling, and Generally Spending Money on Myself: As a young couple in downtown we like to go out to eat and frequent the shops. We both admit that we spend way too much money on food and drink. Our favorite place is Davis' Restaurant and Bar, where our good friend Chris is the bartender and we know most of the regulars. We are there at least once a week, but more often, several times a week. We also like to take small trips to the mountains or coast on weekends. This is one nice thing about not having kids and many of our friends with kids envy our ability to go out when we please and have seen the latest movies in the theaters.

4. Watching Inappropriate Television: I'm an admitted TV junky. The worse it is, the more I like it. So, one nice thing about not having kids is I can watch as many episodes of Celebrity Rehab or The Girls Next Door as I want without having to censor it. Perhaps this one backfires on me a bit, because if I did have kids, I would probably benefit from not watching so much television. Could go either way.

5. Sex: This is probably the main reason my husband would vote for not having kids. It is a concern of mine too. Frequency, quality, quantity, all change after having kids. Without kids, W and I are free to get our freak on and have as much sex as we want, whenever we want.

6. Sleep: This may be in a tie with number five in W's mind. I don't need as much as he does, but I do like to get my full 6–8 hours.

7. White Furniture: Obvious.

8. Language: For those who don't know me very well, I swear like a F*%#ing sailor. It started in the fourth grade. It was my way of rebellion, as I was otherwise a total goody-two-shoes. Peppering my every-day language with the f-word would pretty much have to stop if I had kids. Not a big deal really, but a bad habit I would have to break.

9. My Career: I have to be a working mom. We are a two income household and not much is going to change that. And, I love my job very much. I would not want to give it up. If we have a kid, my work place is super supportive and will allow me to work from home and also bring a baby into the office. But, I know that if I have a kid, my career will be limited in many ways, and I would not excel in the company as quickly. Not having a kid would allow me to really develop my career to its fullest potential.

10. Pets: I have always thought that if we didn't have kids we would have more pets and do more things to help with the worlds animal population. We love animals, and without kids we would definitely be able to do more for our pets. I have always worried about how my beloved cats would react to me having to shift much of my attention away from them and on to a baby.

11. (bonus entry) My Willingness to Sacrifice Myself for Others: This is a great attribute for moms to have of course, but it often happens at the detriment of a mom's own self. I know I would give everything to my child without thinking about myself, 24/7. But, I don't want to loose myself in the process. Without kids, I can be selfish and concentrate on making me the best me there is.

A New Year, A New Home, and A New Outlook

2008-02-20T11:12:00.000-08:00

W and I became home owners this weekend. We bought a two-bedroom, two-bath condo in downtown Eugene. It has an amazing view of downtown and the surrounding hill sides and mountains.

It gets an amazing amount of light. And most importantly, it is all ours. We can do whatever we want with it. We now have a space to make our nest. And a nest is exactly what I hope it will become.
Someone once told me that babies usually wait to come into a settled atmosphere. Meaning when my life was "settled" I would finally get a baby. Now, I'm sure she was trying to make me feel better about not being able to get pregnant quickly, cause I have known many people who were NOT settled and baby didn't wait for them, but there may actually be a kernel of truth to what she said. It would have been exceedingly much harder to be pregnant and/or have a little one in our noisy, dusty, cramped old apartment, and while we did live there for nearly 5 years, I never really felt like it was "ours." So, maybe owning our own place will bring about a sense of stability to our lives that wasn't there before.
More than anything, owning our own home gives me something to focus my energy on. Painting, remodeling, decorating, and other new home owner responsibilities give my brain a preoccupation that has been previously filled by trying to get pregnant. Perhaps by not focusing on the fact that we aren't getting pregnant will in fact cause us to get pregnant. For me, the things I most desire come to me when I am least expecting them. With my attention fully focused on our new home, I'm hoping that a little someone sneaks up on me.

Should it be this hard?

2007-12-10T09:20:00.000-08:00

Should getting pregnant be this hard? I guess they do say that all good things come to those who wait and things worth having are worth fighting for and slow and steady wins the race, but is something you have to struggle with so much really meant to be?

We had positive results from our first round of tests. My progesterone levels indicate that I am ovulating and W has a 99 million strong troop force. We need to find out if his swimmers are able to reach their target or are swimming in circles. But the lab we are working with makes it nearly impossible to do this. W has to drive out to a lab in the outskirts of our town to "collect" the sample. Then he has to take it himself to another lab by driving to Springfield (an adjacent town) within 15 minutes to have it analyzed. They suggest holding the "sample" under your armpit while you drive to keep it warm. Does this seem like too much work for someone to have to go through just to get your sperm looked at? We thought so.

More than anything it is just another example of how hard this seems to be for us compared to others. It just seems like everything is a struggle. I think we will stop struggling for awhile.

Can we afford fertility? or How much should you pay to have a baby?

2007-10-12T10:46:00.000-07:00

I've read articles before that talk about the cost to raise a child. The numbers are usually shocking. But lately I've been trying to figure out how much it will cost us just to get the baby in the first place.

Here is what we have spent trying to get pregnant naturally for the last year:

1 year of prenatal vitamin--$20/month x 12 months = $240
6 months of ovulation prediction kits--$20/month x 6 months = $120
4 bottles of Robitussin to increase CM--$8/bottle x 4 = $32
2 pregnancy tests (with negative results)--$15 for one pack = $15
6 months of therapist appointments to deal with stress and anxiety of not getting pregnant while others around us do so seemingly effortlessly--$75/visit x 2 visits per month x 6 months = $900
1 office visit with OB/GYN at the 1 year mark--$15 copay = $15
1 progesterone test at the 1 year mark (normal results)--unexpectedly covered by insurance= $0
1 sperm count test at the 1 year mark (above normal results)--a surprisingly low $25 = $25

Total Cost of One Year of Infertility = $1,347

Here are the possible costs to pursue further fertility treatment:

1 initial consultation visit at the fertility clinic (not covered by insurance)--$400-$500
Tests, ultrasounds, lab-work (not covered by insurance)--$400-$500
Possible ovulation induction, if I am not ovulating correctly (not covered by insurance)--$700-$900 per cycle
Possible artificial insemination, if W's swimmers aren't swimming (not covered by insurance)--$300-$600 per cycle
Possible in-vitro fertilization, if nothing else works (definitely not covered by insurance)--$10,000+ per cycle

Total Cost of Possible Fertility Treatments = anywhere from $1,800 to $2,500 to $15,000 per cycle.

Here are the possible costs for adoption:

Foster Care Adoptions	$0 - $2,500
Licensed Private Agency Adoptions	$5,000 - $40,000+
Independent Adoptions	$8,000 - $40,000+
Facilitated/Unlicensed Adoptions	$5,000 - $40,000+
Intercountry Adoptions	$7,000 - $30,000

Total Costs to Pursue Adoption = anywhere from $0 to $40,000

Yearly income for both W and I = $50,000
Discretionary money after mortgage, bills, and debt are paid = $500/month (if we are lucky)
Amount of years it will take us to save to pay for fertility treatment or adoption = anywhere from 4 months to 6.5 years
Age we will be in 6.5 years = 39 years old

End result of having a baby = priceless?

Try, Try, and Try Again

2007-09-26T16:35:00.000-07:00

Try:

To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: tried to ski.
To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability: Try this casserole. Try the door.
Law
1. To examine or hear (evidence or a case) by judicial process.
2. To put (an accused person) on trial.
To subject to great strain or hardship; tax: The last steep ascent tried my every muscle.
To melt (lard, for example) to separate out impurities; render.
To smooth, fit, or align accurately.

Two Months Ago...

2007-09-19T11:53:00.000-07:00

This is my most current writing...

Breeder—Non-breeder—Wanna-breeder

Because most couples (70–80%) get pregnant within a year of going off birth-control, doctors, especially fertility experts, don’t want to see you until you’ve passed that 12 month milestone. Not getting pregnant in the first year of “trying” doesn’t necessarily mean that anything is wrong. It is really just an average time based on statistics, and individual couples can fall within or out of those numbers and still successfully achieve pregnancy. But for those of us who are taking longer than average to conceive, that year mark dangles out in front of you like the proverbial carrot. It signifies the date when we can finally figure out if there is something wrong or our timing just hasn’t been quite right. I don’t know about other women, but for me, the race to get to that carrot seems like the longest journey I’ve ever taken. But my OB/GYN is very busy and “highly recommends” waiting the full year before she will see us for a consultation. In the meantime, I find myself in an interesting limbo land of “trying”—not yet pregnant, not yet infertile, trying to achieve something I greatly desire and am not yet sure I am capable of. I’m a wanna-be.

When I was in middle school, a wanna-be was someone who had some of the characteristics and desire to fit within a certain social circle, but didn’t quite satisfy all the requirements for full membership. My friend Jack was a wanna-be skater then. He had the clothes, the wedge haircut, and the skateboard. He even hung out with a few other skaters. But he lacked the “bad” attitude, the dare devil antics, and irreverence toward authority. His overall studiousness, quiet demeanor, and subscription to conservative, Republican ideals would eventually lead him away from sidewalk surfing and toward a future in computer engineering. But for two years in junior high, Jack walked the line between wanting to be a badass skater and succumbing to his inherent conservative nature.

As an adult, I’m finding that women of a certain age fall into three categories: non-breeders, breeders, and the grown-up version of the wanna-be, wanna-breeders. The non-breeders have decided (or have always known) they do not want to have children, and, barring any accidents, take measures to insure that they do not procreate. The breeders, obviously, either have children already or are pregnant and about to give birth. Then, there are the wanna-breeders. These women can range from those who definitely want to have children sometime in the future (they’re not ready yet) to those who are actively trying to get pregnant. The wanna-breeders who are trying to conceive are walking a path between their emotions and desires to have a baby and their body’s ability or non-ability to achieve that. For some, it is easy to go from wanna-breeder to breeder. For others, their desire to be a mom might not be enough to overcome the realities of their (or their partner’s) reproductive systems.

Well into our 11th month of “trying,” I have many of the characteristics of an expectant mother. I have the maternity books. I know what to eat and not eat. I’ve cut back on caffeine and started taking folic acid. I have a maternity leave and return plan at work. I know where I would like to give birth. We have several names in mind and a pile of baby clothes (supplied by my wonderful sister-in-law, who is very anxious for her children to have cousins to play with). I’ve even thought about how to introduce our two cats to a new member of the family. However, the one crucial requirement I am missing for my membership into motherhood is a baby. So, we continue to “try” and work our way slowly toward that looming year mark when we can finally find out whether we are capable of meeting the final requirement in our quest for parenthood or whether we will need to seek membership in a different club.

Three Months Ago...

2007-09-19T11:22:00.000-07:00

I wrote this about three months ago. Again, still a work in progress.

Everything you ever wanted to know about sex, but were never told.

Over the past ten months, I’ve come to a surprising conclusion—Everything I was told about getting pregnant was a total lie. Okay, I know it wasn’t REALLY a lie, but I definitely feel duped.

I was a good student. I paid attention in sex-ed class. I took the messages to heart. It was clear to me, that unless you used protection, sex equals pregnancy. End of story. But, after ten months of unprotected sex and no pregnancy, I am learning that it really isn’t that simple.

Turns out that the time, environmental conditions, position, temperature, and other cosmic forces have to be just so before one of my husband’s little swimmers can make it to my seemingly hermit-like eggs. In essence, all the stars and moons have to be perfectly aligned for conception to even take place.

I almost feel like we needed a new form of sex-ed, a “how to get pregnant” course, if you will. After our first few months of “trying,” I turned to numerous books and Web sites for more information on the whole process. What I learned is that conception is a complicated dance where timing and rhythm (so to speak) are crucial.

Sperm are resilient little guys. They can survive within a woman’s system for up to six days. But they have to be “deposited” at least 12 hours before ovulation takes place. But even if you time things perfectly and all the conditions are optimal, there is only a 33% chance that the little swimmers and egg will meet, shake hands, start the conception dance, and then build a comfortable home and begin growing.

Now, I am inclined to suspect that if we had nothing else to do but lie around waiting for the perfect moment to conceive our child, we would have gotten pregnant right away. However, I know this isn’t true, and besides, we have lives to live as well. We both work full-time. There are chores to do. Family crises develop. Friends come to visit. There are many everyday things that can get in the way of us hitting our target on time. The sources tell you to figure out when you are ovulating, and have sex everyday during your most fertile period. That is anywhere from four to seven days. Who has the time or energy to have sex everyday for seven days?!?! Maybe when we first met and our “I can’t be without you for one second” hormones were raging we could have accomplished such a love-making feat, but now in our comfortable “been together for four years, I’m tired, let’s just cuddle” routine the idea seems astounding.

Our difficulty conceiving comes as an even bigger shock to us when it seems like nearly everyone we know got pregnant with little or no difficulty or completely by accident. (We do know a few couples that either needed medical help or decided not to seek further treatment, but somehow they seem like the extreme exception to the rule in our circle of friends and family.) One couple we know got pregnant on a drunken night when they forgot to use a condom for the first time ever. Another got pregnant just by missing one day of her birth-control pills. And yet another (actually trying to get pregnant), who hadn’t had sex in over six months, timed everything so perfectly that she got pregnant with her second child with one try. Most others took only a handful of months once going off birth control.

We are fast approaching that “been trying for a year” mark when you officially cross the border from fertile to infertile and the doctors will finally see you to determine if there is something wrong or if you just aren’t doing it right and need a Sex Ed refresher course. Right now, I’m hoping for the latter. Until then, I hope every month that the stars are aligned, the swimming conditions are optimal, my cycles are regular, and we’ve crossed all our t’s and dotted all our i’s.

Seven Months Ago...

2007-09-19T11:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote this after about five months of "trying." It is still a work in progress.

Getting Pregnant in the Blogosphere: When is information TMI?

When my husband and I decided to start trying for our first child I was fairly confident I knew the basics of the birds and the bees. In fact, during graduate school, I worked as a file clerk in a fertility clinic, so I knew I was even a little bit ahead of the game when it came to understanding my cycles and other forces of nature. Never did I imagine there was so much I didn’t know.

Here is where I must admit that I “heart” Google. I do a lot of research for the exhibit design firm I work for and Google always comes in handy when I need to find information about a particular topic we are working on. I also pride myself in being a big know-it-all. I take great satisfaction in knowing oodles of facts and figures that most people could care less about. If the Internet had existed when I was ten years old, I can only imagine HOW more precocious and obnoxious I would have been.

Google is amazing, no doubt about it. Any question I have about any topic can be answered in seconds just by typing it into the search box. My co-worker couldn’t remember the words to the Muppet Show theme song. Google it. Up pops hundreds of sites dedicated to those “most sensational, inspirational, celebration, Muppetational” furry icons of our youth. Want to convert inches into centimeters? Google it. Need a quote by Hippocrates? Google it. Want to get pregnant? Google it.

It was a pretty subconscious act. I guess Google has become second nature to me. “Ok, we’re trying to get pregnant. Let’s Google it and see what comes up.” I started innocently enough. I Googled information about ovulation during my lunch break. A lot of the sites just verified my existing knowledge on the subject—cycles, phases, eggs, and sperm. The more I read, the more I Googled. On one site, I read about charting your cervical mucus. Cervical mucus? Google it. More than I ever needed to know about a part of my body I never see. The different colors, the different consistencies, the secret hidden meanings behind each variant. On several other sites, I read about the Robitussin Method. Huh? Apparently, the active ingredient in this distasteful cough syrup from my childhood, which loosens the mucus in a congested chest, also has the power to create the ideal swimming environment for my husband’s little guys. Who knew? Now if I ever see a woman in line at the grocery store with Robitussin, a bottle of wine, and a tube of KY, I’ll know better.

All of this initial, more factual information, while overwhelming in its volume, left me feeling empowered more than anything else. I started an ovulation calendar and began to monitor my cycles in increasing detail. I even learned to speak TTC (a secret language of acronyms for those “Trying to Conceive”). With this newfound body of knowledge, we were sure to get pregnant instantly and be on our way to happy family in no time.

After the first few months with no BFPs (Big Fat Positive) on my HPTs (Home Pregnancy Test), my Googling began to go deeper and deeper. I wasn’t exactly worried that there might be something wrong. I’d read on countless sites that it can take the average fertile couple up to a year to get pregnant. We weren’t in any hurry either. But, with so much information available at the click of my mouse, it doesn’t hurt to be prepared for all the possibilities, right? I’m just curious, I justified. Knowledge is power. And, like a good Girl Scout, I am always prepared.

That’s when I entered the Blogosphere.

Of course, I’ve heard of this mystical sphere in the Internet ether-world before. The word got so overused in the 2006 mid-term elections I thought I was going to strangle the next right-wing conservative pundit who used it. And of course, I have read blogs, bulletins, and postings before. I read “Pink is the new Blog,” “Awful Plastic Surgery” and “Perez Hilton” for the latest and greatest in celebrity gossip. My friend Jodi blogs her exploits as the ultimate indie-band groupie on her Myspace page, and my husband visits his man crush, Morrissey’s, blog nearly every day. But this was different somehow. Suddenly I was reading blogs about the harrowing trials and tribulations of countless women across the world seemingly desperate to procreate. Tales of years of fruitless attempts. Detailed recordings of each month’s cycle days and BBT (Basal Body Temperature). Counting the DPO (Days Past Ovulation) in hope. Confessions from POAS (Pee on a Stick) addicts. Anguishing stories of miscarriage, defunct ovaries, endometriosis, and even more painful cases of unexplained infertility. There were success stories too, but, like most things in life and the Blogoshphere, they seemed few and far between and less dramatic than the others. Even in the area of fertility we are drawn to sensationalism and voyeurism.

Sites about trying to get pregnant turned into sites about being pregnant. Is that what it feels like? OMG! Does that happen to everyone? Maybe I do want drugs? Before I knew it, I was reading about co-sleeping, nighttime feedings, and how to use a breast pump discretely in the workplace. I wasn’t even pregnant yet and I was already forming opinions on the best ways to potty train and how to keep my sex life alive on only two hours of sleep.

My obsession was driving my DH (Darling Husband) crazy. Everyday I would confront him with half a dozen new facts he had absolutely no interest in knowing. Believe me when I tell you, your husband DOES NOT want to hear about any kind of mucus, let alone the kind that your cervix is producing. He told me in no uncertain terms that I was beginning to take all the fun out of trying, one of the only things about pregnancy that involved him and something he enjoyed greatly.

I was beginning to take all the fun out of trying for myself too. My empowerment had quickly turned into severe anxiety. I found myself feeling relieved when AF (Aunt Flo) paid her monthly visit. That made me stop and think. Just six months ago I could barely contain my hormonal urges to produce progeny. Every time a baby entered the room, my uterus did a little dance of joy. Now I was consumed with the details of raising a baby I didn’t even have yet. I had completely forgotten the reasons I wanted to have a baby in the first place. Mind you, I was never disillusioned into thinking that having a child would be a walk in the park. I have girlfriends with small children. I know it is hard. I’ve seen my friend Claire’s face after being up for 48 hours straight with her sick baby. I have witnessed my girlfriend Julie literally juggle two kids in her arms. I knew when we started it would be difficult—that it would take every ounce of strength I had to be a good parent. But the idea of OUR baby always made the struggle seem worth it, and I had expected to encounter parenthood as it happened, not BEFORE it happened.

I didn’t need to live out every possible situation of the next 18 years before the kid was even conceived, which is what the Blogosphere of parenting offered me—every possible scenario for every possible person in every possible place in the world. Knowledge is power, but too much information can make you CRAZY.

Recently, I’ve tried to keep myself out of the parenting Blogosphere. It’s hard. I have good days and bad days. I work in front of a computer all day with instant access to the World Wide Web held in my right hand. It is so simple to do a quick Google on childhood immunizations (a hot topic among my friends with kids) while I’m waiting for my emails to send. But, I am trying to be strong. I’ve stopped charting my cycles and filling out ovulation calendars, and much to my husband’s joy I’ve stopped describing cervical positioning over dinner (although, I am keeping that Robitussin tip filed in the back of my brain, just in case). We’re back to just going with the flow (so to speak) and hoping for the best. When there is a reason to worry, we’ll worry then. The way millions of parents have done it for thousands of years.

I think I’ll stick to using the Blogosphere for the reasons I KNOW it was invented—instant access to up-to-the minute celebrity gossip and terrifying photos of plastic surgery gone wrong.

This last year...

2007-09-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

This week marks one year of trying to create a family. During this time I've been writing down many of my feelings and frustrations about this deeply personal process. It still amazes me that something so seemingly simple and straightforward can be simultaneously so difficult and complicated. Anyway, this is our journey as we travel toward creating our modern family.